Problems as a parent

Becoming a mother has been an incredible journey. it has also open up many wounds. Some I didn't really know existed. I have had a somehow difficult relationship with my mother for a long time. I remember when I was in my twenties and she kept pushing me to have children because she wanted to be a grandmother,  thinking that I wasn't sure I wanted her around for the event.

Time passed and when I had my first child I did call her to come to see the baby. I live very far away so a visit needs to be for a few days at least.
Then my second child came along and she came to help for a few weeks. Things were tense.
From early on I didn't like how she did certain things with my child, the first one was then two years old.  He is now five and over time some I have realised how much it is unresolved with her.
My father's death also brought up some stuff that I thought was more settled.
I think the main issue is: how do I trust her with my children when she did not protect me?
When I tried to speak up she silenced me. It is easy to say later on that she just didn't know anything, but I see so many things now that she decided not to see.
I see how she misreads my children emotional needs and ignores me when I tell her.  I talk to her and I realise it is like talking to a wall. She has set ideas about how things are and won't change.  If a child is crying for something she thinks he/she shouldn't cry she ignores them for a while and then tells them it is not ok to cry for that.

Just before my second was born one day she went out with my son, he was a bit reluctant.  He then wanted to go back home to be with me. She didn't bring him home. She continued with her plan and told him his behaviour was not acceptable.  I have repeatedly asked her to always let him come back to me when he asked. But despite our agreement and the child's cries she didn't bring him back.
I was so angry with her I didn't even said anything. There have been many arguments already.
For days my son wouldn't go out with her. He was happy to play in the house with her, but wouldn't go out.

This was not the first time she had failed to call me when he was with her and had instructions to do so if he was upset about me not being there.
She disagrees with this parenting decision and doesn't respect it. It is the same with other things.
She argues she has a right to establish her own relationship with the kids and do things her own way.
I feel she hasn't learned anything from her mistakes and don't feel comfortable leaving them with her for more than a couple of hours.

When I was a child I spent lots of time with my grandparents. They would take care of us over the easter and summer holidays.  I even lived with them for a few months when my father's health required my parents to go away for specialist treatment.
She expected her relationship with her grandchildren would be the same.
But I don't see how it can be.
I have talked to her about these issues, how she doesn't respect my parenting and how the children react like they so sometimes because of what she does. But she doesn't seem to register it.

There are similar issues with basic diet and safety issues. I don't think she pays enough attention to the kids outside and I worry about them getting lost and/or ran over.
She refuses to take a phone with her when they go out. She doesn't say she is refusing she just never takes it, or if she does doesn't answer it.

I had always been so centred in overcoming what my father did I seem to have not dealt much with the issues with her.  There was problems when I told the family. As I expected they weren't very supportive. I was angry with her about that.
Having my children though it brings a whole new dimension to the problems.
It has also made me see things differently.  I no longer buy into the I just couldn't do anything else but stay with him, or I didn't know anything was wrong.

I would do anything to protect my children.
And if I see the behavioural changes that I showed as a teenager I will not just let it go because "you were so difficult".
As a parent I feel I have to be the bigger person, work through the barriers and find a way to help my child.

I keep trying to come back to blogging somehow regularly, but I am unable to stick with it.
First problem is that so many times I want to stop to sit and write about something but I can't because life is so busy and there is no time that then by the time I get to do it I don't know were to start. How to make one post about one issue/topic at time.
A second problem is feeling discouraged by the fact that no one is reading.  I feel so isolated.
I used to write in a notebook, not exactly a journal but I wrote in order to try to process things. Over time I have started to feel the need for more communication. Of course that is probably linked t having less interactions with people I can really talk to.  As friends move away (or I do) and relationships become more distant. There is no longer frequent interaction with close friends.

Lately the issue of loneliness has been quite difficult for me.
I have a partner and two kids, I spent almost no time alone in any given day. I even go to the loo when I don't need to so as to get a couple of minutes alone (which doesn't even work), yet I feel very lonely.
A couple of very important friendships ended in the last three years, mainly because of issues around the kids, but obviously is how we deal with the relationships and not the kids that are the real problem. Why it couldn't be resolved, why it was easier/better to part. It wasn't my choice, I wanted to talk things over. But the turn of things is that I feel inadequate with people very often. Even friends. I am worried about things going wrong again, I am unsure of myself around people most the time. So as much as I want to reach out to break the loneliness I realise that just being around people doesn't work. Not being able to connect in a deeper level anymore is what causes the feelings of isolation. And the lack of connection is quite general. It happens with friends, with my partner and with family.