Confidence

Yesterday ended up being not such a good day.
I felt ok all day long but I didn't get anything "productive" done.
Today I had a bad night, bad dreams, and I am not feeling so optimistic or upbeat as yesterday.

There is something abut my dreams that is starting to get me. Quite often I dream of my ex. In the dreams we are still together, but the weirdest part is that very often I am with my actual partner, but he is my ex. It is confusing, as in some parts it is really him, but then he is my ex...
I really don't like having those dreams. And the fact that this mixing of my partner and my ex is a common occurrence is starting to worry me. I guess it means something.
But the relationship is totally different, and he is really not like my ex. I feel very differently with him (needless to say better).

I do find it hard to get on with the day when I have dreams like this, thought the ones that involve my father and/or my family tend to unsettle me more.
I really feel like dragging myself around now, not much energy not much motivation. Just get through the day, that seems to be all I can aspire to days like this.
It is really not enough. Looking back I have been getting through the day for quite a while now. It seems more like surviving than living.
I am not sure I understand why I am like this, I really do not feel like I am struggling with my personal issues so much. Not as much as I used to. Even bad nights are not nearly as bad as they used to be.
I used to have real nightmares, waking up very anxious, and unable to sleep again.
However, I am lacking confidence, just the same as I used to, and there is a lack of.... I don't know. I lack purpose maybe, lack direction.
I remember reading a book about confidence and it did say at the beginning that if you don't have big dreams is most likely because you have stop yourself from dreaming. It is like being a step behind wanting something but not having the confidence to go for i; you stop yourself from wanting it.
I think I am quite probably at that place...I tell myself I just don't know what I want but the truth is probably that I am scared of recognising I want something, because the not having it, or not doing anything to achieve would be worse than how I am now.

On the other hand this seems contradictory with me not feeling as low, depressed and anxious on a daily basis as I used to... or maybe not, maybe that is precisely why I don't feel like that.

I need to think this over, something is definitely off.

Refreshing weekend

We have been away this weekend, visit a friend a my partner's family, or some of it. We also had a session with our therapist, and as I also got to see a friend I was not expecting to be in town. A very nice surprise.
Also, we managed to have a bit of time for ourselves which I though was not going to be possible either, and which I think was good for us.

It all seems to have had a very positive effect on me, I feel better today than I have for weeks.
I am worried that this new energy will disappear. That it comes from avoiding my reality.
On the other hand, maybe I should escape from this grim reality a bit more often.
I know today I am still in the same place as I was last week, but I feel more optimistic about moving things forward, so an in all I have not lost but won with this little escape.

I guess one thing I have to do is to use this new energy now, rather than let it pass, as it has happened in the past. My optimism gets defeated by inactivity.
I was going to elaborate on this, but realising that no one reads this I am feeling it is a bit pointless.
Maybe I need to do something more to reach to people out here, in the cyberspace/blogsphere.
I will look into this as soon as I have put resume/cv on track again, and maybe I shouldl tray to use this energy to start one of my personal projects as well.

Getting worse

I started this post yesterday. Actually I only set the tittle. I couldn't get around writing it.
I spent all day in the house, not doing anything. feeling very unsettled and anxious.
My head racing through conversations that I have had, and some that I just imagine I should have had, my chances of getting a job. How I can't figure out why I am not even getting invited for an interview, what is that I am not doing right.
Feeling like I am loosing my mind as my view of my partner and myself and the roles we played in the relationship constantly change... feeling like I can get a grip on reality.

Then feeling bad that I have not done anything 'productive', which is still hunting me today.
I am not entirely sure what I consider something productive though, it seems that whatever I do it is never goo enough.
However this week has been particularly bad. I have barely left the house, haven't felt like doing much. Have not really talked to anyone.

I feel as if my world is getting smaller and smaller.
Need to make changes, but not sure how, not sure if I have the energy, even less the self confidence required.
It is a vicious circle and I know it. The less you do, the less you want to do, the harder it feels to do things.
I should have seen this coming. Over the years I have noticed that probably the first sign that I am withdrawing is my attitude towards the phone. I just won't answer it. It starts not answering unknown numbers, because I don't know who is calling and that unsettles me, but then it extends to friends and family. The longer I go without talking to someone the less likely I am to take their call. It just feels harder, and I think to myself "I'll call them back tomorrow, I'll in a better mood".

This weekend we are going to see his family. Tonight we will stop at a friend's place.
Although I wasn't looking forward for it I think it will be good for me. I have to do most of the driving, which will be tiring, and the roads will be busy, so likely to be a long trip, but I have been in this house too long the last few days, so I think it will be good just to be somewhere else.

I am now thinking that next week I will start making changes. And while I think what changes I need I ask myself, why next week? why do I not start today? Isn't this the old trap that leads me to not change things, leaving it for later (tomorrow, next week...) ?

Dependency

Yesterday I didn't manage to do anything "productive".
I couldn't get into filling in an application of redesigning my resume/cv again.
Eventually I gave up trying, but I couldn't get out of the state of despair and hopelessness I was in.
Thinking about it, I realised that the job, getting a job, has come to be of vital importance to me. I am currently dependent on my partner, economically. This is something I knew would happen, temporarily at east when we moved here.
We moved to another city at the beginning of summer because he had a job here. The timing was right for me as had just finished with the position I was in. I knew that finding a job in place, with no contacts and would be harder than staying where we were but we wanted to be together, and it all seemed to make sense.
On the days leading to the move I started to become more and more unsettled about the situation I was going to find myself in.
Probably as a consequence of my past I find it difficult to depend on people, it requires a degree of trust that I do not achieve easily (and I even wonder I do at all).
When I am unsettled we tend to argue, I think things don't come out the right way, and he gets very defensive. We have a pattern here a bit more complex than that, but that will do for now.
In the midst of all of it there was talk of marriage, as a way of giving me more security, to symbolise or solidify the commitment.
I have never bee a big fan of marriage, maybe because I thought that if I can't trust the person a piece of paper won't change that. Promises are made and broken too often, doesn't matter how "official" you make it, you can still break it.
But nevertheless over time I came around and decided that I needed to find a way to that make the leap of faith that trust, real trust, requires, and that that would be the way.
I did however say, that I wanted this to be brought up again, when we were more calm, I wanted to know that it wasn't about ending a crisis. I thought that would help me, actually I thought that was necessary for me. I am always very suspicious of promises made in a tense situation that in my experience are many times just made to scape the stressful situation, or giving in to pressure. I wanted to know it was "real".
Unfortunately he didn't mention it again. Not before I decided that he hadn't meant it.
This has had a very profound effect on me.
I have this part of me, my inner child maybe, which finds it near to impossible to really trust someone; that is always vigilant, expecting to be hurt, expecting a "bill" for every nice thing, wondering what the price will be this time.
I thought we had found a way to show her that there was no price to pay, that there was a commitment to be good, to be nice and comforting just because that is what loving someone is.
But then, when this didn't come around I am left thinking that he doesn't really want to deal with that part of me. That he wants it not be there and will do anything to stop the "crisis", but that he does not think it once it is over.
He doesn't really care for that part of me (and therefore doesn't really care for me).
I am ashamed of this part of me, I hide it because i think it makes me weak, because I know it makes me vulnerable. I know that it was my wanting to have a nice comforting father that led me stay in the situation where I was being hurt. To do nothing, and even long for the attention despite the price I had to pay for it.

It is something that I thin has tainted every experience in life. The deep believe that I am utterly unlovable, that no one really cares. There is always a price, or in the best case scenario there is part of me that will just not be attended to.
It feels terrible.

Another reason I was not willing to marry before was that I needed to keep myself free enough. I couldn't make certain promises because I had promise myself that in the future I would do what I have failed to do in the past, that is someone was being hurtful, consistently hurtful, I would remove myself from that situation, I would protect myself.
When I decided I would commit it was on the basis that I had enough confidence that things were going to be ok for me, that he was going to be good to me. Now I don't know if that is the case, i don't know where I am, I am not sure whether I am being a fool staying or if I am being overly distrustful.
He has brought up the topic and I have said I can't make any promises now.
And that is pretty much it, I don't see much concern about why it has change. He seemed hurt, but didn't anything.

So, when I put myself in this position where I am dependent the personal situation was different, now I feel I have nothing to hold on to, and therefore desperately need a job. feeling secure, independent, and having some validation.
I know no job, no professional success will be enough to make me feel good about myself, I know there are more important things for me. And that is why I came, even though it would make my professional life harder.
But, that having failed, the job acquires extra importance.

Loosing hope

I want to write here more often but i am discouraged and depressed that no one reads it.
I guess it feels pointless, and futile to do write "out here" if it doesn't reach anyone.
This is very much the feeling that I have about everything these days. Everything seems pointless.
I have now been unemployed for almost 3 months. It feels like I will never find a job. I can't bring myself to carry on applying, it seems pointless.
Of course I know that if I do not apply then I really have no chance. I know what I need to do is carry on trying... but what do you do when you've lost hope?
I think I haven't totally lost it, not yet at least. It goes temporarily, then some comes back.

It is ironic how there have always been so many things I wanted to do that I didn't have time to do, and now that I have the time, I just don't feel like doing them. So much of my self esteem, and self confidence is linked to work; a lot more than I thought.
The rejections, in most cases not even hearing back from applications, is really getting to me.
I seem to be interiorising it as a message that I am not worth anything, that I am not good for anything. I feel as if I am not a "valid" person.

Many times I think I need to call people, to actually have a chat with someone in order to have a better chance with my application, but as my confidence goes, I feel less capable of calling, of having a chat.
I seem to e getting in a dangerous circle, as not succeeding with my applications is making m loose confidence, making me less capable of doing what I need to do to get a job. Less likely to apply, less likely to be positive about myself, to self myself, less likely to be proactive etc.

Sometimes, like now, I sit in front of my computer to once again change my cv for an application, and the thought comes to mind that I must be insane.
because someone said, sorry I can't put a name to the quote, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
That seems to be what I am doing.