Last post was 2012, wow! I had actually have to check that it is really 2015!
So, I haven't given myself a lot of time to write "lately".
Well, I better get started on my thoughts rather than the past.
I think everyone who becomes a parent will have a lot of issues form their childhood stirred. and this is probably specially true for survivors.
I am desperate to do a good ob with my children and not only to protect them from others but also to be a better parent than my parent were.
The problem with abuse is that there is a dysfunctional family dynamic that somehow "allows" it. I mean in the cases, like mine where the abuse goes unnoticed. But I know this is quite common.
So it is not only the abuser but the other members of the family, in particular the other parent, that leaves us with issues that affect us for life.
In my case is my mother. Her refusal to ever see the problems and therefore act on them. It was not only the issue with me and my father, there was also a massive depression that she never acknowledged and many problems I had as a teenager.
All these where clear signs that something was wrong but to the day she will sustain that she couldn't have know.
Most of the problems I had were treated not as problems but as me being "like that". i.e. I was a trouble teenager I was moody and difficult.
When I moved out of home most of these issues got better. I lived with other family members and I was not a problematic individual anymore. On the contrary I was participative of these "new family" live. I helped around the house, enjoy spending time with them and generally was the opposite of what I had been home. I stopped taking drugs (not that my mother ever noticed, or showed concern that I did).
Basically despite having a lot of issues the relief of being out, of being constantly "under attack" not just by my father being there, but by the bombardment of negative comments about my persona constantly thrown at me by my mother and brother was such that a lot of the anger seemed to vanish.
In this new environment I was able to build a life for myself.
However, as all survivor know, the trauma runs deep and the issues come back to hunt you.
Relationships are difficult, very difficult and for me very painful. I, like many others, didn't choose the best partners either. I choose what was familiar.
So I always felt... unvalued, used, unloved... the list goes on.
So, lots of therapy later and what I thought to be a positive relationship I decided I was ready to have children.
Up to then I always felt I would be a terrible mother as I was convinced there was something utterly wrong with me.
Now I am wondering again whether I am an "ugly" person inside, and whether this relationship is really positive.
I started going to therapy to deal with the loss of a couple very close family members that happen within months and in the end I ended up mainly talking about my children and my worries about how my past seems to be affecting the present, affecting what I do as a mother.
There was a lot more summarising my past that I had in mind and I now seem to have lost the connection with that feeling I started the post with.
Another common issue I have, dissociating.
I know it is a useful surviving tool but can be a pest when you actually want to work through your issues and suddenly you can't "access" them.
I got a phone call and had to come out of "my bubble" to respond and be useful so now I can't go back. grrr
