So, I haven't posted for such a long long time...
Many times I am tempted, no surprise when I feel bad, and mainly when it is related to the experiences that lead me to start the blog. Then I realise that the way I process most thing is in some way or another related to those experiences.
So what happened today... I find myself trapped by my past. Reacting to things in the present because of how things have been in the past. And I get annoyed and frustrated with myself because even when is happening I notice, but I can't stop myself.
Words come out of my mouth that I don't really mean, but I don't stop.
However much I try to stop myself, to think, calm down, breathe, just don't let the feeling take over me and make the situation worse... I can't, I set my own trap and I inevitably fall onto it.
I hate everything about it, but I think what I hate most is feeling so out of control.
Knowing that I am making thing harder for myself, knowing that I should just not act on these feelings as they will pass, and more importantly are a reaction to an internal trigger rather than the present situation; but yet not being able to, that is what really gets me.
Not being able to control and trust myself.
Besides the things said and done which will need mending, there is the erosion to my self confidence. I thought I was better, I though I could do better.
But some feeling still knock me down as a fast train running over me.
And then starts the anxiety about when will it happen again.
I found myself lying in bed not moving because... I am not sure, because all I wanted to do was break things, shout, hurt myself... . nothing that I felt could be let out.
So it all goes inwards, and I end up paralyzed, hoping that at least tears will come, because I need a non destructive outlet. But tears don't come.
I maned to get to some breathing exercises, and then move into drinking wine, more than I should of course, but I don't care today.
Today is all about manging to get through the day, without breaking anything,hurting myself, or creating more trouble with closed friends.
Tomorrow will be about figuring out what to do best next time.
I was going to leave for tomorrow the figuring out what feeling exactly triggered all this, and then it just hit me.
I felt trapped into this charade I feel my life has always been, when someone close to me knowing that I am having a very bad day (nightmares started it) tells me (or I think they do) that I have to behave normally, that they are not to put up with my erratic behavior. So, suck it up, and be the normal "happy" person we want to deal with, and don't you even think about taking time for yourself, you ought to be with us because we love you and want to spend time with you.
And I still fall for that, I am apparently still unable to see that I just can't do it, and that I shouldn't have to.
The ones who love me should let me do what is best for me and not ever ask me to put myself aside to satisfy their will (because it wasn't even a need).
