When logic doesn't work...

It has been a difficult couple of days. On Wednesday I was called to work, I am working covering for people at work, and many times I get called on the day. Unfortunately I was late to work. I had left with plenty of time but I got lost, then I couldn't find a place to park and once I managed I could not get a ticket to display on my car as the machine refused to accept any of my cards (which by the way work anywhere else). I eventually left the car without the ticket for which I unsurprisingly got a fine. That will be half of my daily wage. The worst part though was that the agency who employs me was very annoyed about all of it, and apparently got quite an earful from the company (even though no one complained to me). Things got worse when at lunch time I left briefly to check on my car, and sort out the parking properly. Someone was wanting to talk to me and could not find me, so called the agency again. The agency told me it was very unprofessional of me to have left the premises, apparently not knowing that it was my lunch break.

I talked to the person from the company who deals with the agency and explained what had happened and that the agency was really not at fault for my delay, as they had called with plenty of time and they had actually checked on me before several times.
I really did the best I could for my delay (which in the end was less than 10 min) not to affect the agency future business with them. And I think I succeeded at that.
I also talked to the agency apologised and reassured them I would take make sure to take responsibility and separate me form the agency in the eyes of the company.
By the end of the day the lady said to me, that next time me , or the agency, should call them as they could have helped with the parking issues, and then there would have been no trouble at all for anyone.
I though this was very good, as it implied there would be a next time.


However, I couldn't shake the words of the agency staff, and the feelings that it provoked.
Despite the fact that I do not think going out at lunch time was unprofessional, as the lunch our was a free our, I still felt as if I was, in the most general sense, unprofessional.

Yesterday I was trying to be very rational about all of it. Analyzing what had happened I found that I could, and I will next time, allow some more time, but more importantly ask for help earlier when I start having problems.
I then thought about the situation I was in with the agency now, expecting that they would probably not call me anymore to work. This is not a very big problem, there are many agencies of the like I can work for (I am actually registered with another one), and in any case I have a job starting in January. We have enough money, and my partner is not going to mind if I do not do more work until I start my job in January.
So, overall this was not a great problem, yet I still felt like I had really screwed up, and that all this was just a signal (another one) that I was not good enough for anything.
This last part maybe is the most revealing, the fact that I felt inadequate in a very general, very deep level. And that the logic about the situation would not alter the way I felt however much I tried to reason with myself.

This is not really news; I have known for a very long time I do lack self-confidence and self-esteem.
I seem to be very dependent on external recognition. But then, when I am appreciated I think they are wrong and I feel like I am a fraud.
I know this is not a fair view of myself, however I seem to be unable to change the way I feel about it, about myself.

So, today I start my quest, my search for a way to build up self confidence and self esteem. Starting by reading a book about cognitive behavioral therapy.
The ideas look good, not sure how I will be able to implement them though.
I can see myself getting stuck on the same point I got stuck yesterday. I can understand the logic, the rationale. I can see how I am putting myself down, yet I my feelings seem to be completely impermeable to logic.
I'll keep the research, maybe I can find a suitable method for me.

Changes, and what they show me

It has been some time since my last post. I have been wanting to write but I have not found the time to do it. It is a strange thing, is not that have not had any time but I don't feel I can write when my partner is around. I haven't told him about the blog, not sure why.
The last few weeks I have been busy with job interviews, and temporary work. Very temporary, mainly filling in for people for a day or two.
It has been very stressful. Both, the hectic work and the interviews, but it is obviously all good, and a positive change for me.
It has given me a much needed boost of self esteem and it has also provided some income, which I believe also contributes to me feeling a bit more confident. Starting to recover my independence.

Last week I noticed something about myself.
I had four short interviews on the same day, all organised by a recruitment agency.
The interviews went well, and one of the employers made me an offer, two of the others wanted to see me again. I really felt so much better about myself that day.
They were interested and in general the day was a great success for me. I spent the next three days with the further interviews, and the last one didn't go well.
This completely brought me down. I felt I was not good enough for anything and started to feel like a fraud, particularly thinking about the offer that I had still on the table. Even though I was almost decided even before interview I wanted to take the other offer (I really considered not even going, I was that convinced about the other place) the fact that I didn't do well, made me feel like I wanted them to make me an offer, to get an opportunity to show I can be better... even though I was not feeling all that confident that I can be better.

What I guess I have noticed is that it doesn't matter how may "success" I manage, any "failure" makes me think I am not good for anything, and that every other success has been a fluke, and I am actually a fake or a fraud.
Rationally, I can see that we all have better days, or better moments, and that we all make mistakes sometimes. But the fact is that I seem to process the "goods" as by chance, and the "bads" as my real ability and even more an intrinsic characteristic of myself.

I finally accepted the offer, which I would have been delighted to do in the first place the day of the interview, but I felt a bit bitter about it, because my confidence was low, and I felt even a bit scared that I will not be able to hit the mark. A few days ago I felt completely sure I could do a very good job at that place but...
I should be happy, and I think today I am, that I have a job. That I will not have to keep searching. I will have some stability and a fixed income (once I pass the probation period). The past few months have been hard, not having work has been hard.
However, this interview keeps playing in my head, and I have been even having dreams about it. It is really tainting what should be a nice time.
My partner wanted to celebrate, and I wasn't in the mood.
Maybe I won;t be able to celebrate until I am sure, first I said when we sign the contract, and now I am thinking once probation is over... will that be the end of it?
Judging from past experience it won't.

I think I really need to work on me to change this, i need to be able to see the positives; to see accept them and process them the same way I do with the negatives.
Rudyard Kipling's words come to my mind, once again....
...
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
.....


I need to have a reasonable, stable measure of myself that does not depend so much on external validation. We all need some validation, but I need to have some self confidence. I will never do everything right. I am not going to be excellent every day. Or even good. That does not mean that I what I do well has no value, or is done well by chance. It is me, the same me that gets things wrong.
An this should apply to the personal issues as well.
I am not lovable just in the measure that someone else loves me the way I need.
He might get it wrong, that does not mean there is something wrong with me (that I am not lovable).

I see people, friends, that can take things as they come, good and bad, and keep a steady self esteem and self confidence. I envy them. I wish I was like that.
And I should really work on it.
I have been trying, but maybe I have not taken it seriously enough.
But thinking about it now, I realise that achieving that will improve my quality of life more than any job, more than any change my partner can make.

Have I been fighting the wrong battles?

Trying to figure out what I am doing....

I couldn't help but to look back a bot on my previous post, and that seems to have changed what is in mind right away.
Feeling like following up on it a bit.
I had a "chat" with my partner, the "" is there because my tone was not the appropriate one for a chat. It was tense and I suppose one could say it was angry.
I seem to get very frustrated very quickly these days, though only with him.
I have been thinking a bit about my anger. It seems to be that I am angry with him, but I wonder to what extent I am angry with myself.
Last night I had one of those dreams where I am feeling angry and very powerless. In the dream I am powerless. I can't remember the details, but I know I have had similar dreams before. There is an overwhelming feeling of being powerless, I am getting into a fight and I don't seem to have any strength. I throw punches but the so completely lack strength that the other person barely even feels contact. also the reason why I am trying to hit someone is the result of uncontrollable anger and frustration. My weakness, which seems completely unnatural only contributes to me getting even more frustrated. I find these feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness very difficult, to the point of impossible, to handle.
and I wonder where the dream comes from. The same I wonder where my anger towards my partner comes from. sure he has hurt me and that is quite likely to manifest itself as anger, at least it is in my case. But I really feel like there is more to it.

Trying to make a relationship work is hard work. And I think I find difficult to manage the idea, or actually the fact, that part of it is out of my control.

We have had many talks about what we each want in a relationship, how we react to problems, what triggers old set defense mechanisms or unhelpful ways of coping, and what we can do about it. However I can only do so much. I can only do my part. I can't do or make him do the part he agrees to.
I get angry when he does or does not do certain things, I get frustrated that we have talk about it and agreed something and yet he doesn't do it. He apologises. I know one doesn't change in a day, but it has been a lot longer than that. I get frustrated that the apology doesn't actually solve anything for me. At this point I get annoyed not just about what cause me to be angry but also about the fact that I am angry and frustrated and I can get out of it. I can't soothe myself.

I believe this is the point when I get to feel so helpless, powerless, that I wonder what I am doing here. Why I am putting myself in this position. I can't decided whether I am more angry about the fact that he is how he is, or that I "stupidly" think that I can expect anything different. That I can expect him to change when I am not. I have done a lot of the things that he have agreed, I have done my best to be there for him the way he needs, but I have no even attempted to change the way I take certain things. I have negotiated, fought for him to change because I am so overwhelmed by these feelings, I feel so much at the mercy of those triggers and the subsequent chain reaction, that I have not even considered my part on this.
I have just put it forward as :"this is a basic requirement for me to be in a relationship". The this is not even as well defined as would like, or as it is probably necessary for someone to really understand, but that is too much to get into now. The main point for now, for me, is the realization that I have not even considered that I could take things differently. Of course it is there in theory, but I have not really considered it. I "knew" it wasn't an option for me. I guess there should be no surprise then I have those very intense feelings, dreams, of helplessness, and powerlessness.
I am seem to have decided to wait for someone to make me feel different. And when it doesn't happen I just try the same thing again, more talk, but the same situation. I am relying on someone else to kill my demons, and getting frustrated and angry when the fail. Yet doing it all over again and again. I am not leaving, I am not addressing my feelings, I am just pushing someone to change to battle the demons that i have apparently given up on. Even though they need to overcome theirs first. And then I wonder why it is not working.

If he really loves me he will do it, because it is what I need to be happy.
Never mind the fact that I have not been able to do it myself, and it is so dam important to me that I have decided not to try, but outsource it.

Trading myself for affection

I have been having problems with my partner, again.
I guess there isn't anything unusual about having problems, but what worries me is that it seems to be the same kind of problem. It makes me feel stuck.

The basic problems I think is that I do not feel cared for in the way that I want.
I feel that a part of me, my inner child one could sat, is not being heard.
My partner seems to avoid emotions. He doesn't like dealing with them.
It has happened in the past that we have been talking about how I find it difficult to feel loved, that I feel lonely many times, that I feel pathetic for wanting to be loved.
In the middles of the conversation, which took place in bed, I have needed to go to the toilet just to find him getting dressed and talking about breakfast when I got back.
I have been shut down in a variety of ways. Silence being one of them. I talk about something and he just goes silent, there is no comments, no questions nothing. In many cases after a very long time in silence I have asked "what are you thinking?" and then be told he is thinking about work, or some random thing that he has read, but not about what I have tried to explain.

I feel very much abandoned in a sense.
He is very supportive in many respects, but when it comes to deep emotional issues, he completely shuts down, and shuts me out.

We have had many arguments about this. I tend to get angry about it, not every time. It is more a matter of accumulation.
While we were going to couple counselling things between us got better, and he was a bit more receptive. Even if it wasn't having the opportunity to talk about it in the session would normally make things better for me. There he would listen, and despite the uneasiness he would not run away, physically or emotionally. The counsellor have that effect.

The way things have developed since we stop going to counselling (because we moved) has resulted on me finding myself reverting to old ways of coping and behaving.
Ways that are not good. Because he becomes more distant if I bring charged topics up, or I find myself not doing it. Particularly when I am feeling more vulnerable and more needy, when my issues are more pressing to me, since this is precisely the time I more want affection.
I am re_learning what i have worked so hard to unlearn, that I have to be someone different in order to be loved. That my inner child, has to remain hidden, that I am not to talk about the abuse or its consequences, that I am not to discuss things about us that are "too emotional". This is the price to pay for affection, and attention.

Therefore I think it is not strange that I do not feel loved, I feel he loves someone else, that feel differently than I do, has different needs.
It all goes very well with the old feeling that wanting affection, love, is dangerous, is weak, pathetic even.
It is what led me to not remove myself from a situation where I was being hurt, and I have this deep believe that I can never really shake, that I got what I deserved because I didn't stop it. I kept going back to it, maybe expecting that it would be different, but surely knowing that it would probably not be.

Now I am burying myself in order to have affection, but the care doesn't touch me, because it doesn't go where it is needed.
I feel utterly rejected and hurt.

Eventually we argue, because I "explode", and he says he really wants to know about all those things, and he thinks about it sometimes, but he feels that is not his place to ask questions. He doesn't want to bring something painful up when I seem to not be thinking about it.
There is also his baggage, coming from a family that didn't talk about emotions, and having spent most of his childhood trying not to show any, and learning that his role was to be "good" so as not to upset anyone.
I can understand how he as developed this coping mechanisms, and why he would withdraw so much. But this rational understanding doesn't go a long way in softening how I feel.

We both knew about this differences between us form the beginning. But he said he wanted to change. He had chosen an emotional, fairly outspoken person in me, and he thought it was because he wanted access to that world.
Change however is not coming, or came for a while and then left, and I don't know what to do now.
Don't know if it is sensible to wait for things to change when I am making this very costly trade fro affection and feeding all these old demons.
It feels as if the real me is unlovable, and I wonder if this "poisoned" love would make that believe even deeper. Maybe by the time, if ever, that things change my perception of myself will so entrenched that I can not love myself. Maybe I will bury myself so deeply I won't be able to find me.
Living in a state of numbness is not life. I have been there. And I have revisited those experiences lately when trying to decide what to do.
Life seems like a big fruitless effort, not worth doing.

Something needs to change.

Shall I pack and go? or shall I give it another chance?
Do people change?

Worry

I have had three interviews last week, for teaching jobs. Didn't get any of the positions. form what I can see there are not many positions going around so I am worrying.
I am really worrying that I am not going to find any job, of any kind.
I have been unemployed for over three months now. It feels like forever though.
And my worry keeps growing. I also worry that my relationship with my partner on whom I am dependent right now, is not going as well as I expected either.
I worry I have made a mistake, that I should not have moved here with him without having a job. That I should not have allowed myself to think that it was going to be good, that I should have know better to know that good thing do not happen to me.

So, that is quite a lot of worry. To that I add that I am worried about my reaction to all this. I don't seem to have much energy anymore.
I remember that before I used to be very determined, and I thought that if I worked for things I would get them, and I guess in many cases it worked (I had to put a lot of effort but I did it)
I don't seem to be willing to put that much effort into things anymore. I wonder if it is because I do not want it enough, or maybe it is something worse.
Am I getting depress again?
I don't think I am, but from time to time I get this ideas about ending my life.
I have had these kind of thoughts before. I was in pain, not physically, I was too tired of being in pain, and not manage to get a bit of peace ever.
I wanted those feelings to stop so much, and it seemed so impossible that not existing seemed a better option.
I don't really know where the thought are coming from now.
I just don't find my life fulfilling. I don;t think I am suffering, I definitely have felt a lot more depressed, worthless, tired, helpless that I feel now.
However the thoughts come, and it seems as some kind of relieve.
I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't feel scared, or lonely.
I wouldn't feel anything, and that seems attractive.
Maybe I am not feeling particularly bad, but I am not feeling any good either.
And I don't seem to find a reason why to carry on. I think maybe that is the key. I feel guilty about some of the people i would leave behind, who might feel responsible, or just sad. That is the main thing that makes me discard the thoughts. But they worry me.
It worries me to find myself so unattached to live.


I started reading a book about how to stop worrying.
I am not finding the advice helpful so far. First, the author proposes to live in day tight compartments. Leave the past behind and do not worry about the future, live in the present. He doesn't mean not to plan at all for the future, but not to postpone things, and not to worry about it, not to be anxious about it. At first it seemed to me something I could do, but then I have come to realise that I can't do it. I am working on the living the past behind, take the lessons, drop the rest, no resentments, grudges, guilt... learn from what has happened, think about what you can do better next time. That is all you should take from the past. That I am working on, and I can believe in.
The second part, the future, I am struggling with. I don't know what my future will bring, but one of my worries is that it will be as my present, which I am not enjoying at all.

There is more advise I am having trouble with. It is suggested that it is a good strategy to prepare for the worst that could happen then calmly improved on it.
One is told to reconcile oneself with the worst. I am finding I can not do that either.
If I stop to think about what I am worried about, and what is the worst that could happen, I find that for some of my worries, the worst that could happen is that things would remain as they are, because I can not reconcile myself with living like this long term. I guess this is were the suicidal thoughts come in.
I am not worried that terrible things would happen. I am worried that I will carry on on this existence that I am not finding fulfilling. I just don't see the point in living however many more years like this. It seems pointless.

The part of improving on the worse calmly doesn't really work until you have managed to reconcile yourself with the worst. I wish it did. But it doesn't.
I am trying to improve the situation, but I am doing it because I do not reconcile myself with it, and I am doing it with worry and anxiousness, and with a deep sense of defeat, with little hope.
This might have a lot to do with my lack of success so far, but I am stuck here.
I can't bring myself to feel differently.

Anger

I am struggling with feelings of anger lately. I seem to be getting quite angry quite quickly over small things.
The truth is that my partner seems to be the trigger. I am not having any issues with other people, except him, and maybe myself.
I think it is very closely related to the situation between us, for which I seem to blame him.
He didn't do what we have agreed as a way to deal with my trust issues, and then he didn't deal with the consequences either. I actually feel he has not even tried to understand them.
Of course he seems to make an effort every time I make a big deal, but he doesn't bring it up himself, and what is probably affecting more of all, he doesn't act on it.

I am not sure where I am with all this.
The way I just wrote I am picturing a person who is not being really honest, and I don't think I really believe that of him.
I guess this is my constant battle.

We had the opportunity to go to see our therapist the weekend before last, and I talked about how difficult I am finding the situation between us, How I am struggling to handle the relationship, the mistrust, the disappointment.
She, the therapist pointed out how all this anger, and even the difficulties I am facing, are not only due to what is happening now but also because of my past.
I know this, I knew it already.However, I can't really see it. There has only been one occasion when I have realised I wasn't angry just because of what he had done, but because of what it triggered. Most of the times I see such a clear direct link between what he has done and my anger, that I can't really see the other factors; can't see how my history is playing part. Not only I can not see it at the time, but I can't see it later either.
I can see that I get "too" angry, that my reaction is somewhat out of proportion, but this does't help me much.
Also the fact that we have "danced" around certain issues for such a long time, and they keep happening, he keeps doing the same, seems to me part of the reason why I react so strongly nowadays.

I am worried, I don't like the person I feel i am becoming. I seem to have no more empathy, or compassion for him.
I get angry, I shout at him, explaining why I am angry in a way that I know he has trouble coping with. The he looks very fragile, as if he was loosing his strength. I know he is punishing himself for getting things "wrong" (again).
Yet, what goes through my mind is " Here we go, now he starts feeling sorry for himself, seeks comfort, from me, and then does nothing about any of this". I play this thoughts in my mind, how so many times this has happened, I am angry or hurt, as I used to get hurt, not angry like now, and then when I say it, he goes into this self-deprecating exercise. Then the focus is on him, his needs, his problems, his... and I always buy into this, and try to help.
I guess I always expected than once that was sorted he would actually go back to think about what i said, and take it on board, try to help. So I feel cheated. In a very profound way. Because this has been going on since very early in the relationship.
When we started therapy one of my main complains was that there was an unbalanced in the relationship, that I felt I had to take care of the emotional need of both of us.
More than a year after our first therapy appointment I don't see significant change.

Here is where I see how what is happening related to my past. I have definitely felt like this in my previous relationship.
I have actually felt like this about my parents. People who supposedly love me end up just taking from me and not giving.
This is actually why I have such an apprehension to being told "I love you".
It used to, and it does again, feel like a trap. That what is means is that someone is just going to give me enough so I stick around while they take everything from me.

And I guess that the art that makes me really angry is that I fell for it, every time.

That when I confront people and say "how is that you say you love me yet you keep hurt me the same way, even though I have told you what hurts me." and the answer is normally not very elaborated here, is either " don't know why i do it, but I don;t mean to hurt you and I know I do love you", or the maybe more mean variation where the problem is shifted to me taking things the wrong way, and just feeling like I do because I decided to do so.
Of course I know there is much to say for what he read in other people's actions, and I might be interpreting things in a way that is not meant. But the question remains, why keep doing it once you have been told about its effect.

I am actually feeling rage now. And I do not know how to handle it.
I used to have this problem a lot as a teenager, I believe it is what led me to try some drugs (the I found out that they provoke more problems that they solve. They actually don't solve anything, just help avoidance).

I guess I need help, I did agree to seek help with this when we went to therapist.
Part of me though, feels like what I need is to leave.
I wonder I have not crossed a not return point in this relationship. I really don't like being so callous.
And of course, I really don;t like being so angry.
It is a very very uncomfortable feeling. (I even have angry dreams)

Confidence

Yesterday ended up being not such a good day.
I felt ok all day long but I didn't get anything "productive" done.
Today I had a bad night, bad dreams, and I am not feeling so optimistic or upbeat as yesterday.

There is something abut my dreams that is starting to get me. Quite often I dream of my ex. In the dreams we are still together, but the weirdest part is that very often I am with my actual partner, but he is my ex. It is confusing, as in some parts it is really him, but then he is my ex...
I really don't like having those dreams. And the fact that this mixing of my partner and my ex is a common occurrence is starting to worry me. I guess it means something.
But the relationship is totally different, and he is really not like my ex. I feel very differently with him (needless to say better).

I do find it hard to get on with the day when I have dreams like this, thought the ones that involve my father and/or my family tend to unsettle me more.
I really feel like dragging myself around now, not much energy not much motivation. Just get through the day, that seems to be all I can aspire to days like this.
It is really not enough. Looking back I have been getting through the day for quite a while now. It seems more like surviving than living.
I am not sure I understand why I am like this, I really do not feel like I am struggling with my personal issues so much. Not as much as I used to. Even bad nights are not nearly as bad as they used to be.
I used to have real nightmares, waking up very anxious, and unable to sleep again.
However, I am lacking confidence, just the same as I used to, and there is a lack of.... I don't know. I lack purpose maybe, lack direction.
I remember reading a book about confidence and it did say at the beginning that if you don't have big dreams is most likely because you have stop yourself from dreaming. It is like being a step behind wanting something but not having the confidence to go for i; you stop yourself from wanting it.
I think I am quite probably at that place...I tell myself I just don't know what I want but the truth is probably that I am scared of recognising I want something, because the not having it, or not doing anything to achieve would be worse than how I am now.

On the other hand this seems contradictory with me not feeling as low, depressed and anxious on a daily basis as I used to... or maybe not, maybe that is precisely why I don't feel like that.

I need to think this over, something is definitely off.

Refreshing weekend

We have been away this weekend, visit a friend a my partner's family, or some of it. We also had a session with our therapist, and as I also got to see a friend I was not expecting to be in town. A very nice surprise.
Also, we managed to have a bit of time for ourselves which I though was not going to be possible either, and which I think was good for us.

It all seems to have had a very positive effect on me, I feel better today than I have for weeks.
I am worried that this new energy will disappear. That it comes from avoiding my reality.
On the other hand, maybe I should escape from this grim reality a bit more often.
I know today I am still in the same place as I was last week, but I feel more optimistic about moving things forward, so an in all I have not lost but won with this little escape.

I guess one thing I have to do is to use this new energy now, rather than let it pass, as it has happened in the past. My optimism gets defeated by inactivity.
I was going to elaborate on this, but realising that no one reads this I am feeling it is a bit pointless.
Maybe I need to do something more to reach to people out here, in the cyberspace/blogsphere.
I will look into this as soon as I have put resume/cv on track again, and maybe I shouldl tray to use this energy to start one of my personal projects as well.

Getting worse

I started this post yesterday. Actually I only set the tittle. I couldn't get around writing it.
I spent all day in the house, not doing anything. feeling very unsettled and anxious.
My head racing through conversations that I have had, and some that I just imagine I should have had, my chances of getting a job. How I can't figure out why I am not even getting invited for an interview, what is that I am not doing right.
Feeling like I am loosing my mind as my view of my partner and myself and the roles we played in the relationship constantly change... feeling like I can get a grip on reality.

Then feeling bad that I have not done anything 'productive', which is still hunting me today.
I am not entirely sure what I consider something productive though, it seems that whatever I do it is never goo enough.
However this week has been particularly bad. I have barely left the house, haven't felt like doing much. Have not really talked to anyone.

I feel as if my world is getting smaller and smaller.
Need to make changes, but not sure how, not sure if I have the energy, even less the self confidence required.
It is a vicious circle and I know it. The less you do, the less you want to do, the harder it feels to do things.
I should have seen this coming. Over the years I have noticed that probably the first sign that I am withdrawing is my attitude towards the phone. I just won't answer it. It starts not answering unknown numbers, because I don't know who is calling and that unsettles me, but then it extends to friends and family. The longer I go without talking to someone the less likely I am to take their call. It just feels harder, and I think to myself "I'll call them back tomorrow, I'll in a better mood".

This weekend we are going to see his family. Tonight we will stop at a friend's place.
Although I wasn't looking forward for it I think it will be good for me. I have to do most of the driving, which will be tiring, and the roads will be busy, so likely to be a long trip, but I have been in this house too long the last few days, so I think it will be good just to be somewhere else.

I am now thinking that next week I will start making changes. And while I think what changes I need I ask myself, why next week? why do I not start today? Isn't this the old trap that leads me to not change things, leaving it for later (tomorrow, next week...) ?

Dependency

Yesterday I didn't manage to do anything "productive".
I couldn't get into filling in an application of redesigning my resume/cv again.
Eventually I gave up trying, but I couldn't get out of the state of despair and hopelessness I was in.
Thinking about it, I realised that the job, getting a job, has come to be of vital importance to me. I am currently dependent on my partner, economically. This is something I knew would happen, temporarily at east when we moved here.
We moved to another city at the beginning of summer because he had a job here. The timing was right for me as had just finished with the position I was in. I knew that finding a job in place, with no contacts and would be harder than staying where we were but we wanted to be together, and it all seemed to make sense.
On the days leading to the move I started to become more and more unsettled about the situation I was going to find myself in.
Probably as a consequence of my past I find it difficult to depend on people, it requires a degree of trust that I do not achieve easily (and I even wonder I do at all).
When I am unsettled we tend to argue, I think things don't come out the right way, and he gets very defensive. We have a pattern here a bit more complex than that, but that will do for now.
In the midst of all of it there was talk of marriage, as a way of giving me more security, to symbolise or solidify the commitment.
I have never bee a big fan of marriage, maybe because I thought that if I can't trust the person a piece of paper won't change that. Promises are made and broken too often, doesn't matter how "official" you make it, you can still break it.
But nevertheless over time I came around and decided that I needed to find a way to that make the leap of faith that trust, real trust, requires, and that that would be the way.
I did however say, that I wanted this to be brought up again, when we were more calm, I wanted to know that it wasn't about ending a crisis. I thought that would help me, actually I thought that was necessary for me. I am always very suspicious of promises made in a tense situation that in my experience are many times just made to scape the stressful situation, or giving in to pressure. I wanted to know it was "real".
Unfortunately he didn't mention it again. Not before I decided that he hadn't meant it.
This has had a very profound effect on me.
I have this part of me, my inner child maybe, which finds it near to impossible to really trust someone; that is always vigilant, expecting to be hurt, expecting a "bill" for every nice thing, wondering what the price will be this time.
I thought we had found a way to show her that there was no price to pay, that there was a commitment to be good, to be nice and comforting just because that is what loving someone is.
But then, when this didn't come around I am left thinking that he doesn't really want to deal with that part of me. That he wants it not be there and will do anything to stop the "crisis", but that he does not think it once it is over.
He doesn't really care for that part of me (and therefore doesn't really care for me).
I am ashamed of this part of me, I hide it because i think it makes me weak, because I know it makes me vulnerable. I know that it was my wanting to have a nice comforting father that led me stay in the situation where I was being hurt. To do nothing, and even long for the attention despite the price I had to pay for it.

It is something that I thin has tainted every experience in life. The deep believe that I am utterly unlovable, that no one really cares. There is always a price, or in the best case scenario there is part of me that will just not be attended to.
It feels terrible.

Another reason I was not willing to marry before was that I needed to keep myself free enough. I couldn't make certain promises because I had promise myself that in the future I would do what I have failed to do in the past, that is someone was being hurtful, consistently hurtful, I would remove myself from that situation, I would protect myself.
When I decided I would commit it was on the basis that I had enough confidence that things were going to be ok for me, that he was going to be good to me. Now I don't know if that is the case, i don't know where I am, I am not sure whether I am being a fool staying or if I am being overly distrustful.
He has brought up the topic and I have said I can't make any promises now.
And that is pretty much it, I don't see much concern about why it has change. He seemed hurt, but didn't anything.

So, when I put myself in this position where I am dependent the personal situation was different, now I feel I have nothing to hold on to, and therefore desperately need a job. feeling secure, independent, and having some validation.
I know no job, no professional success will be enough to make me feel good about myself, I know there are more important things for me. And that is why I came, even though it would make my professional life harder.
But, that having failed, the job acquires extra importance.

Loosing hope

I want to write here more often but i am discouraged and depressed that no one reads it.
I guess it feels pointless, and futile to do write "out here" if it doesn't reach anyone.
This is very much the feeling that I have about everything these days. Everything seems pointless.
I have now been unemployed for almost 3 months. It feels like I will never find a job. I can't bring myself to carry on applying, it seems pointless.
Of course I know that if I do not apply then I really have no chance. I know what I need to do is carry on trying... but what do you do when you've lost hope?
I think I haven't totally lost it, not yet at least. It goes temporarily, then some comes back.

It is ironic how there have always been so many things I wanted to do that I didn't have time to do, and now that I have the time, I just don't feel like doing them. So much of my self esteem, and self confidence is linked to work; a lot more than I thought.
The rejections, in most cases not even hearing back from applications, is really getting to me.
I seem to be interiorising it as a message that I am not worth anything, that I am not good for anything. I feel as if I am not a "valid" person.

Many times I think I need to call people, to actually have a chat with someone in order to have a better chance with my application, but as my confidence goes, I feel less capable of calling, of having a chat.
I seem to e getting in a dangerous circle, as not succeeding with my applications is making m loose confidence, making me less capable of doing what I need to do to get a job. Less likely to apply, less likely to be positive about myself, to self myself, less likely to be proactive etc.

Sometimes, like now, I sit in front of my computer to once again change my cv for an application, and the thought comes to mind that I must be insane.
because someone said, sorry I can't put a name to the quote, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
That seems to be what I am doing.

how do my dreams link to my emotional state?

I continue to have quite unsettling dreams very often. Almost every night.
There are quite a variety of them really and I can’t tell whether they are related or what is bringing this on.
I think it might have to do with how I feel about the relationship with my partner.

We have had another “difficult” weekend. Difficult id not the right word but I don’t know how to describe it. We just had another discussion, because I am still upset/unsettled about the same things. I don’t know if this can be fixed, and that thought scares me.
I had so much hope that things were going to change, were going to be different. That I was going to really trust someone and feel warm and safe, cared for.
Things have not turned out tat way, and I am really hurt, and I do not know how to get passed it. Seems like something has changed inside. I am wondering if I still love him the same way, I am not sure.

During the weekend I realised that I am finding it hard to spend time together. Thinking about it I realised that I have been compartmentalising. I don’t want to live like that again. I know every relationship has its problems, I don’t expect things to be always perfect. But I think that nature of what doesn’t work runs so deep that I need to completely put it away. Then every so often it comes to me, and makes me wonder why am I in this relationship.
Without that trust that has been broken lots of things sort of loos their meaning.
Hugs, kisses and other signs of affection don’t really reach me.
I go from being very affectionate to being cold. I think sometimes I become affectionate because I need the affection and when I realise that I can’t really get it ( not that he will no respond, it is just that it doesn’t reach me) I turn away.

I feel hurt let down and lonely.

Just noticed that I have avoided saying what it was that I needed, and the truth is I am not very comfortable writing about it. Not sure whether this is about being worried of how anonymous this site really is.
No one has commented, and I am not sure if anyone is reading, but I still worry that maybe someone I know, or even him, will find this site. Some people I wouldn’t mind but others I would. It really feels like I should say it, put it our there, but I can’t.

Maybe that is why all this dreams, I am very unsettled in a very familiar way.
I feel that the love I get is not right for me, that is not the way I want to be loved, is not the way I want things to be.
This is the way I grew up and how most my relationships have turned out to be.
Love seemed like a very twisted thing to me. There was such a high price to pay for the good things.

Torn

The pain is still with me.
I have been to the doctors and they are going to run a series of tests, including an ultrasound… I am actually getting a bit worried.

For the past few days I have been a bit moody as well. I don’t know what it is but it seems that everything annoys me, particularly what partner does.
Things between us have not been great lately.
I am very confused about the relationship. On the one hand I think he is quite good to me. He listens and he is empathic. On the other hand he does not talk, I mean about himself, and he never asks questions. Sometimes that makes me feel…I guess makes me question whether he really cares. Why does he not follow up on things?
The issue about his habit of not talking about his feelings, is long standing. And it is not just not talking, he tends to withhold emotions. And he withdraws when asked.

So, I feel confused. I seem to have contradictory feelings about him, and us.
One minute I think he cares and is there for me, and the next I feel I don’t know where he is at all.
We had a big discussion/argument last weekend about all this. And he made an effort on Monday to bring it up and talk about himself and what is going on with him.
However we have been here before, he becomes very aware of it when I make a big fuss and he tries for a while, but soon things go back to “normal”. Until I feel alienated or stranded enough that I make a big fuss again.

I know he tries, I know where he is coming from, I know his family and can see how he worked out that it was much better to keep to himself and show as little as possible. But I do not want to have a relationship where I have to constantly overcome huge barriers to know where the other person is. I want to share , I want someone who wants to share. He says he wants, and it is true that he has worked on it a lot, he has gone to therapy, and we have gone to a counsellor together. I have seen him being pushed and being very uneasy and come through, with big efforts.

But I do not know how to cope with how things are at the moment. I appreciate the good intentions and the efforts but I still don’t have what I need to feel good about us.
It takes along time to change what he is trying to change.
And I think I have started to resent him for all that I put. For feeling 100% responsible for the communication, and making the relationship work. For being open, and saying out loud and without reservations what I need and have been “overlook” it.

It was such a hard thing for me to do, to say honestly what I think I need.
Thinking back I don’t believe I have ever done it before. Too risky.
Because what happens if you don’t get it? It hurts twice as much as if you haven’t said it and you can tell yourself the other person hasn’t noticed.
But when they know… what then? Should I leave? Part of me really wants to. There is a voice saying he doesn’t really care. He cares on his own way and that is not going to make me happy, it does not cover what I need.
There is another part of me that says that he has his own problems and limitations, and he is trying, and maybe I could cut him some slack.

I am torn.

Pain, and more bad dreams

Another bad night, this time triggered by pain.
I woke up in the middle of the night with acute pain, it felt like period pain. It took me about a minute to remember when I did last have period, it was last week!.
So, what is going on?
At the moment I am not registered with the doctors, it was, actually is, still in my to do list. But it is my experience when I have had similar problems before that the doctors have not paid much attention, so I am not very motivated to go.
However I am a bit worried…. Am I being a bit a hypochondriac here?.

I got up after a while of not sleeping in order to allow my partner to get some proper rest. Felt asleep again in the morning and have ore bad dreams.
Again, my father keeps cropping up. The dreams are not all that bad, however I wake up feeling as if they were. Hard to explain. Emotionally very unsettled, and revisiting a lot of things form the past, even though they were not explicitly on the dream.

I had thought that I was done with this, relieving the past, the bad dreams etc.
It had been a long time since this was a recurrent problem.
I kept having the occasional bad night, or even a little flashback, but it had become sporadic. I had stopped being scared that it would happen any time all the time.
Now it was been three days in a row. And what is more worrying is that it happened last week as well, and I believe the week before then a couple of days too.
I didn’t think much of it at first as I was not too upset in the morning, but it is escalating. I still feel pretty much in control, but I am getting worried, and I am not sure what to do about it.

Bad dreams -- old ghosts

I had a terrible night. It was one bad dream after another.
I tried staying awake, thinking of something different, distracting myself for a while before going back to sleep hoping that would make a difference to the dream theme but it didn’t work. I got up very early, exhausted, feeling as if I had not slept at all. But I couldn’t face going back to sleep, even though it was hard to keep my eyes open.

The dreams were all about my family, and my father was on some.
I hate when I have dreams in which my father is there, as if that was the situation now in the present (my parents divorced about fifteen years ago, though he lived with us for a year a couple of years after they divorced).

I think I am worried about my family, things are not going very well for them, there are economic worries, but more than anything is all the personal stuff that worries me.
I don’t think they are doing very well in that department either.
However I feel unable to help. I tried talking to them quite a few times in the past, and I do when there is a window of opportunity now, but that rarely happens.
They do not want to talk. If I ask any of them about themselves, they are fine, is the others that have trouble I should talk to them. And that is what they all say.
Then form time to time there are arguments that I get to hear about; I believe there are many I do not get to hear about. I mostly hear from my mother, and when she tells me why she is upset I understand and empathise, but then she tells me what she is done about it or plans to do and… it is hard to explain. I can see how it is not going to work; she approaches issues all at once, mixing her feeling towards the ‘family’ or even ‘everyone’ into a confrontation with one person. She brings everything up when the issue sparks from one particular incident. Also there is a tendency of extending comments and criticism far beyond what is reasonable.
I’ll give an example. In an argument with my brother which started with work related issues (they work together) she brings up personal issues, between them, and even issues about who she disagrees on his behaviour towards other members of the family (the way he talked to my aunt), and complains about his clothes, his eating and drinking habits etc. So everything gets mixed up, and obviously nothing really is taking away by the recipient of this outburst.

I am very familiar with this. She has always been like this. And she is not the only one; it is more or less the way the family operates.
I find it impossible to deal with, I mean I can deal with it, I can take it when the outburst is directed at me, and I have managed over the years to stop myself counter-attacking in the same fashion (it is hard work, believe me) but what I can not do is stir things in different more productive direction. When it is about me I can negotiate what would I do that would make things better, but when it comes to the others I can’t. If I say anything about restricting the conflict to one issue, or about the hostility it is being dealt with, I get accused of being on the other person side, or not seeing the whole picture, or … whatever, there is always something (they are very articulate people).

So what does all this have to do with my dreams? Lots I think.
I believe I feel guilty that I have set myself apart from my family.
It was not just because they have not supported me about the issues with my father, which was very very painful, but also because I couldn’t find a way to be myself among them. I find the family dynamics asphyxiating. Problems don’t ever get resolved, just left to rest until next time. People don’t usually say what they really have a problem with anyway, it is all hidden in a discourse aim to make the other feel bad, and set oneself as righteous.

I needed to solve my issues, At some point I was close to ending my life. I needed to move on, to process, to heal, to learn to understand myself and not be controlled by my emotions, which seemed erratic and overpowering.

I relate to people in a very different way now. I don’t think I am perfect far from it; there are still many issues I do not handle well at all (as it is clear form the precious post I guess). But I am better. I feel better, and I believe I am better to others. I listen more, I reflect before I answer, I don’t just react.

When I go back home, sometimes I get sucked into the old habits again. It happens less nowadays than it used to though. I do not loose my temper anymore, but I do feel really on edge, and uneasy most of the time.
I am convinced that to leave close to family again would be to be unhappy. I can’t change them, all I can do is change myself. But the way they are, they react and even the way the view things gets to me, hurts me. I guess it shows me why things happened the way they did, about me, about my father, about no one noticing, about no one supporting me. First they didn’t believe, then they just ignored it. When I pushed things once, the reaction in summary was: that was long ago, you have to move on, don’t get stuck in the past.

My dreams where all about my family. About me being back home, living with them, trying to work things out for them. Trying to live in that constant battle. Living with my father, as it was back then.

I feel responsible for them, and therefore I feel guilty about being away.
But deep down I know I can’t help them, and I can’t live with them.
I have to have my life, and they have theirs. That is the way things should be anyway right?

Loneliness

I feel so lonely…
We moved a few weeks ago to a new city. We know some people here, but mainly they are friends of his. And so far we haven’t seen much of them.
But that is not why I really feel this lonely.
I think this is much deeper issue, I feel lonely because I have no one to talk to. I have my partner, but no close friends. This is not new really; it has been going on for a while. It seems that most of my friendships have… disappeared?
People move and I find it hard to stay in touch, but mostly over time I have distance myself from everyone in one way or another.
I have felt hurt by people and not found a way to work through it. I withdraw.
It is not always my first choice, I have tried to talk to friends about it, but it doesn’t always work. And then with me and/or them moving….
I don’t want to go through a list of what has happened with each one of them. I have some friends that I could talk to, but none of them leave anywhere near this city right now. And it has been a while since things have been like this It is making a dent on me now.
Also for some reason as I get older and I think I am finding it harder to connect with people. I didn’t use to find it hard to make “friends” but now I do.
Writing used to be of help when I felt like this, but it is not working anymore.
I have come back to this blog after a long time. I have not been active on the blogsphere for a very long time, and I am getting dishearted to find some of the people I used to follow not around anymore. Then there is also the fact that no one seems to be reading, or least no one who has left a comment, and I think that is just reinforcing the feeling of isolation.
I am having a hard time with the jobless situation, sending applications and hearing nothing back. So obviously being rejected.
Feel rejected (or neglected) by friends too. I have texted or email some people (haven’t said anything about not feeling very upbeat, I tend to do that) and most have not got back to me at all. They might do at some point, but it has been long enough for me to feel rejected.

Feels like any attempt on my part of reaching out, putting myself out there, professionally and personally is meet with silence. Feels so futile to keep trying…

Back to square one

Looking for a job, again. Without really knowing what I want to do.
It seems to me this is where I was when I finished university, many years ago.
Then I went back to university, and after some time working got myself into another course at university. Though this was mainly a practical course, and most of the time was spent on a placement, working.
So, I guess I count at least, three major “stops” when I have tried to decide what I wanted to do and yet I seem to not know.
During the last year, and particularly during the last few weeks I have done a lot of “soul searching” trying to figure out what really makes me “tick”.
One thing that I am not setting as a priority is being happy. It might sound a bit of a strange thing to say, do I mean that I was seeking to be unhappy before? No of course not. But in a way I was not really focussed on achieving happiness.
For starters I do not think I had much of an idea of what that really meant.
I was surviving, and I think happiness was to me like colours might be for a person born blind. It is something that you imagine, you hear people talk about, but you really don’t know what it is, how it is like, and you have no framework to help you develop the concept.
I think before I was motivated by the desire of eliminating the effect of my past.
I wanted to have the life I imagine I would have had without the abuse.
So, I chose a partner (well, over time more than one) that had certain qualities I liked but not someone who was not understanding of my issues, and my needs.
I worked really hard on the relationship and tried really hard to be somewhere I was not, to be someone I was not. I tried to be and feel like someone with a different past would have (or how I thought they would).
On a professional level I did the same. When I finished high school, it was decided I would go to university. This had been decided long ago and not really by me but by my parents.
In any case I was not unhappy with it. When it came to decide what I was going to study I consider studying psychology. However, this was not a profession that my family would value. Furthermore they seem to be very dismissive of the field, and there was a theory that only people who have a problem they do not wish to tell anyone studies or trains in that field.
Now, that really hit a chord on me because it was very true in my case that I had a problem I did not want to discuss. At the time I didn’t even really know what my problem was, I was utterly confused and thought there was something wrong with me. It is also true that I had an interest in human behaviour and development, but I dismissed the idea and studied science, physics. Something I was good at and that they would value. And probably, I thought was what I would have liked to do had I not have any trouble while growing up.
So, I was determined to have a “normal” life.
Over the years I have though of training for counselling several times.
I have always decided against, or put it off.
Now I find myself thinking about it again, and again finding reasons to not do it on the basis of practical reasons, and a feeling that it is now too late, and that I have already trained enough over my life.
I can’t figure out what would make me happy, I feel blocked in so many ways.