I haven't posted for almost a year now. I have thought of starting a new blog; seems like a failed to make this one work, and wanted to start fresh. Then, I realized that there are no real fresh starts in a sense. I always carry what was written here, I always carry the sense of failure of every unfinished project, and most of all, the sense of failure to get over "things".
How many times I have been told that what I have to do is just get over it.
I am very depressed now, I have been for a few months, well, don't even know how long.
More than one person, friends, have told me that I have to move on, because I am getting stuck, and it is affecting my professional life and that will just make things worse; as if I didn't know all that.
So, I failed to write this blog. I failed to express myself, and to share my story, more importantly my feelings, which is what I was seeking.
It is not surprise then how isolated and asphyxiated I feel.
I have been trying to get back in to the blog sphere for quite a while, going back to read peoples' blogs and many times wanting to comment. But I haven't been able to get over myself and get out there. It feels bad, because I wanted to be able to offer support to others. But that would have also meant doing something good for myself, and that apparently I can not do.
I don't know what is different today, I guess I still don't know if it is any different, haven't posted this yet, it is so far a draft. Haven't been able to comment on other blogs, though I tried (I hope I will if I can get this out there).
I have been having terrible thoughts lately, most survivors know about this; not wanting to carry on, I do not wish to die, but I do not wish to live either, and sometimes seems so pointless to carry on. I know the only reason I am still here is because is what happens if I do nothing.
These feelings, or lack of them, have been there for a long time.
Something has change recently. I have been finding myself angry, very angry, angry beyond reason, raging. It is such in uncomfortable sensation. But I don't know how to get out of it. Frustration, anger, hate, anxiety...all at once. I want to tear my insides out.
Trying to find out what triggers it, and why, I ended up doing an exercise that I found in a book. It didn't seem so much related but I came across it and seem interesting. The idea was to write a list of painful experiences and situations from childhood, actually all the way to adulthood, and then think about what decisions about myself others and life I made because of those experiences.
Here is what I found. (it is not really organized, I am afraid)
I am not lovable, just 'usable'. I am undeserving.
I am primarily a sexual being, not a person.
I am unimportant.
People only love you for what they can get out of you, there is not such thing as selfless, "free", care.
I am less important than everyone else, I should never expect support, I do not deserve it.
People who love you will turn on you, and use the feelings you trusted them with against you.
Being loved= being controlled.
It is not good to be good at something.
Relationships are power struggles, you have to fight to be respected and listened to, constantly. My feelings do not really matter.
It is not ok to be angry.
It is bad to point out peoples' flaws, I should overlook them.
Women are doormats, should not stand up for themselves.
No one is safe, (particularly those who love you).
So, this is my concept of love.
I am thinking this is not how it is supposed to be is it?
I thought I wanted to be loved, but I guess that is not what I need, I want to be safe, to trust someone. To be able not have guard myself, to be able to be open.
I can be open with people sometimes, but not because I trust them, but because I know I can take the pain when they turn on me, or away from me.
I see opening up as a short term relief that I will pay for later on, and as long as I can pay the price, it is ok.
It is sad, very sad, and I think there is no real comfort on it.
Might it be where my anger comes from?
