When logic doesn't work...

It has been a difficult couple of days. On Wednesday I was called to work, I am working covering for people at work, and many times I get called on the day. Unfortunately I was late to work. I had left with plenty of time but I got lost, then I couldn't find a place to park and once I managed I could not get a ticket to display on my car as the machine refused to accept any of my cards (which by the way work anywhere else). I eventually left the car without the ticket for which I unsurprisingly got a fine. That will be half of my daily wage. The worst part though was that the agency who employs me was very annoyed about all of it, and apparently got quite an earful from the company (even though no one complained to me). Things got worse when at lunch time I left briefly to check on my car, and sort out the parking properly. Someone was wanting to talk to me and could not find me, so called the agency again. The agency told me it was very unprofessional of me to have left the premises, apparently not knowing that it was my lunch break.

I talked to the person from the company who deals with the agency and explained what had happened and that the agency was really not at fault for my delay, as they had called with plenty of time and they had actually checked on me before several times.
I really did the best I could for my delay (which in the end was less than 10 min) not to affect the agency future business with them. And I think I succeeded at that.
I also talked to the agency apologised and reassured them I would take make sure to take responsibility and separate me form the agency in the eyes of the company.
By the end of the day the lady said to me, that next time me , or the agency, should call them as they could have helped with the parking issues, and then there would have been no trouble at all for anyone.
I though this was very good, as it implied there would be a next time.


However, I couldn't shake the words of the agency staff, and the feelings that it provoked.
Despite the fact that I do not think going out at lunch time was unprofessional, as the lunch our was a free our, I still felt as if I was, in the most general sense, unprofessional.

Yesterday I was trying to be very rational about all of it. Analyzing what had happened I found that I could, and I will next time, allow some more time, but more importantly ask for help earlier when I start having problems.
I then thought about the situation I was in with the agency now, expecting that they would probably not call me anymore to work. This is not a very big problem, there are many agencies of the like I can work for (I am actually registered with another one), and in any case I have a job starting in January. We have enough money, and my partner is not going to mind if I do not do more work until I start my job in January.
So, overall this was not a great problem, yet I still felt like I had really screwed up, and that all this was just a signal (another one) that I was not good enough for anything.
This last part maybe is the most revealing, the fact that I felt inadequate in a very general, very deep level. And that the logic about the situation would not alter the way I felt however much I tried to reason with myself.

This is not really news; I have known for a very long time I do lack self-confidence and self-esteem.
I seem to be very dependent on external recognition. But then, when I am appreciated I think they are wrong and I feel like I am a fraud.
I know this is not a fair view of myself, however I seem to be unable to change the way I feel about it, about myself.

So, today I start my quest, my search for a way to build up self confidence and self esteem. Starting by reading a book about cognitive behavioral therapy.
The ideas look good, not sure how I will be able to implement them though.
I can see myself getting stuck on the same point I got stuck yesterday. I can understand the logic, the rationale. I can see how I am putting myself down, yet I my feelings seem to be completely impermeable to logic.
I'll keep the research, maybe I can find a suitable method for me.

Changes, and what they show me

It has been some time since my last post. I have been wanting to write but I have not found the time to do it. It is a strange thing, is not that have not had any time but I don't feel I can write when my partner is around. I haven't told him about the blog, not sure why.
The last few weeks I have been busy with job interviews, and temporary work. Very temporary, mainly filling in for people for a day or two.
It has been very stressful. Both, the hectic work and the interviews, but it is obviously all good, and a positive change for me.
It has given me a much needed boost of self esteem and it has also provided some income, which I believe also contributes to me feeling a bit more confident. Starting to recover my independence.

Last week I noticed something about myself.
I had four short interviews on the same day, all organised by a recruitment agency.
The interviews went well, and one of the employers made me an offer, two of the others wanted to see me again. I really felt so much better about myself that day.
They were interested and in general the day was a great success for me. I spent the next three days with the further interviews, and the last one didn't go well.
This completely brought me down. I felt I was not good enough for anything and started to feel like a fraud, particularly thinking about the offer that I had still on the table. Even though I was almost decided even before interview I wanted to take the other offer (I really considered not even going, I was that convinced about the other place) the fact that I didn't do well, made me feel like I wanted them to make me an offer, to get an opportunity to show I can be better... even though I was not feeling all that confident that I can be better.

What I guess I have noticed is that it doesn't matter how may "success" I manage, any "failure" makes me think I am not good for anything, and that every other success has been a fluke, and I am actually a fake or a fraud.
Rationally, I can see that we all have better days, or better moments, and that we all make mistakes sometimes. But the fact is that I seem to process the "goods" as by chance, and the "bads" as my real ability and even more an intrinsic characteristic of myself.

I finally accepted the offer, which I would have been delighted to do in the first place the day of the interview, but I felt a bit bitter about it, because my confidence was low, and I felt even a bit scared that I will not be able to hit the mark. A few days ago I felt completely sure I could do a very good job at that place but...
I should be happy, and I think today I am, that I have a job. That I will not have to keep searching. I will have some stability and a fixed income (once I pass the probation period). The past few months have been hard, not having work has been hard.
However, this interview keeps playing in my head, and I have been even having dreams about it. It is really tainting what should be a nice time.
My partner wanted to celebrate, and I wasn't in the mood.
Maybe I won;t be able to celebrate until I am sure, first I said when we sign the contract, and now I am thinking once probation is over... will that be the end of it?
Judging from past experience it won't.

I think I really need to work on me to change this, i need to be able to see the positives; to see accept them and process them the same way I do with the negatives.
Rudyard Kipling's words come to my mind, once again....
...
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
.....


I need to have a reasonable, stable measure of myself that does not depend so much on external validation. We all need some validation, but I need to have some self confidence. I will never do everything right. I am not going to be excellent every day. Or even good. That does not mean that I what I do well has no value, or is done well by chance. It is me, the same me that gets things wrong.
An this should apply to the personal issues as well.
I am not lovable just in the measure that someone else loves me the way I need.
He might get it wrong, that does not mean there is something wrong with me (that I am not lovable).

I see people, friends, that can take things as they come, good and bad, and keep a steady self esteem and self confidence. I envy them. I wish I was like that.
And I should really work on it.
I have been trying, but maybe I have not taken it seriously enough.
But thinking about it now, I realise that achieving that will improve my quality of life more than any job, more than any change my partner can make.

Have I been fighting the wrong battles?

Trying to figure out what I am doing....

I couldn't help but to look back a bot on my previous post, and that seems to have changed what is in mind right away.
Feeling like following up on it a bit.
I had a "chat" with my partner, the "" is there because my tone was not the appropriate one for a chat. It was tense and I suppose one could say it was angry.
I seem to get very frustrated very quickly these days, though only with him.
I have been thinking a bit about my anger. It seems to be that I am angry with him, but I wonder to what extent I am angry with myself.
Last night I had one of those dreams where I am feeling angry and very powerless. In the dream I am powerless. I can't remember the details, but I know I have had similar dreams before. There is an overwhelming feeling of being powerless, I am getting into a fight and I don't seem to have any strength. I throw punches but the so completely lack strength that the other person barely even feels contact. also the reason why I am trying to hit someone is the result of uncontrollable anger and frustration. My weakness, which seems completely unnatural only contributes to me getting even more frustrated. I find these feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness very difficult, to the point of impossible, to handle.
and I wonder where the dream comes from. The same I wonder where my anger towards my partner comes from. sure he has hurt me and that is quite likely to manifest itself as anger, at least it is in my case. But I really feel like there is more to it.

Trying to make a relationship work is hard work. And I think I find difficult to manage the idea, or actually the fact, that part of it is out of my control.

We have had many talks about what we each want in a relationship, how we react to problems, what triggers old set defense mechanisms or unhelpful ways of coping, and what we can do about it. However I can only do so much. I can only do my part. I can't do or make him do the part he agrees to.
I get angry when he does or does not do certain things, I get frustrated that we have talk about it and agreed something and yet he doesn't do it. He apologises. I know one doesn't change in a day, but it has been a lot longer than that. I get frustrated that the apology doesn't actually solve anything for me. At this point I get annoyed not just about what cause me to be angry but also about the fact that I am angry and frustrated and I can get out of it. I can't soothe myself.

I believe this is the point when I get to feel so helpless, powerless, that I wonder what I am doing here. Why I am putting myself in this position. I can't decided whether I am more angry about the fact that he is how he is, or that I "stupidly" think that I can expect anything different. That I can expect him to change when I am not. I have done a lot of the things that he have agreed, I have done my best to be there for him the way he needs, but I have no even attempted to change the way I take certain things. I have negotiated, fought for him to change because I am so overwhelmed by these feelings, I feel so much at the mercy of those triggers and the subsequent chain reaction, that I have not even considered my part on this.
I have just put it forward as :"this is a basic requirement for me to be in a relationship". The this is not even as well defined as would like, or as it is probably necessary for someone to really understand, but that is too much to get into now. The main point for now, for me, is the realization that I have not even considered that I could take things differently. Of course it is there in theory, but I have not really considered it. I "knew" it wasn't an option for me. I guess there should be no surprise then I have those very intense feelings, dreams, of helplessness, and powerlessness.
I am seem to have decided to wait for someone to make me feel different. And when it doesn't happen I just try the same thing again, more talk, but the same situation. I am relying on someone else to kill my demons, and getting frustrated and angry when the fail. Yet doing it all over again and again. I am not leaving, I am not addressing my feelings, I am just pushing someone to change to battle the demons that i have apparently given up on. Even though they need to overcome theirs first. And then I wonder why it is not working.

If he really loves me he will do it, because it is what I need to be happy.
Never mind the fact that I have not been able to do it myself, and it is so dam important to me that I have decided not to try, but outsource it.