It has been a difficult couple of days. On Wednesday I was called to work, I am working covering for people at work, and many times I get called on the day. Unfortunately I was late to work. I had left with plenty of time but I got lost, then I couldn't find a place to park and once I managed I could not get a ticket to display on my car as the machine refused to accept any of my cards (which by the way work anywhere else). I eventually left the car without the ticket for which I unsurprisingly got a fine. That will be half of my daily wage. The worst part though was that the agency who employs me was very annoyed about all of it, and apparently got quite an earful from the company (even though no one complained to me). Things got worse when at lunch time I left briefly to check on my car, and sort out the parking properly. Someone was wanting to talk to me and could not find me, so called the agency again. The agency told me it was very unprofessional of me to have left the premises, apparently not knowing that it was my lunch break.
I talked to the person from the company who deals with the agency and explained what had happened and that the agency was really not at fault for my delay, as they had called with plenty of time and they had actually checked on me before several times.
I really did the best I could for my delay (which in the end was less than 10 min) not to affect the agency future business with them. And I think I succeeded at that.
I also talked to the agency apologised and reassured them I would take make sure to take responsibility and separate me form the agency in the eyes of the company.
By the end of the day the lady said to me, that next time me , or the agency, should call them as they could have helped with the parking issues, and then there would have been no trouble at all for anyone.
I though this was very good, as it implied there would be a next time.
However, I couldn't shake the words of the agency staff, and the feelings that it provoked.
Despite the fact that I do not think going out at lunch time was unprofessional, as the lunch our was a free our, I still felt as if I was, in the most general sense, unprofessional.
Yesterday I was trying to be very rational about all of it. Analyzing what had happened I found that I could, and I will next time, allow some more time, but more importantly ask for help earlier when I start having problems.
I then thought about the situation I was in with the agency now, expecting that they would probably not call me anymore to work. This is not a very big problem, there are many agencies of the like I can work for (I am actually registered with another one), and in any case I have a job starting in January. We have enough money, and my partner is not going to mind if I do not do more work until I start my job in January.
So, overall this was not a great problem, yet I still felt like I had really screwed up, and that all this was just a signal (another one) that I was not good enough for anything.
This last part maybe is the most revealing, the fact that I felt inadequate in a very general, very deep level. And that the logic about the situation would not alter the way I felt however much I tried to reason with myself.
This is not really news; I have known for a very long time I do lack self-confidence and self-esteem.
I seem to be very dependent on external recognition. But then, when I am appreciated I think they are wrong and I feel like I am a fraud.
I know this is not a fair view of myself, however I seem to be unable to change the way I feel about it, about myself.
So, today I start my quest, my search for a way to build up self confidence and self esteem. Starting by reading a book about cognitive behavioral therapy.
The ideas look good, not sure how I will be able to implement them though.
I can see myself getting stuck on the same point I got stuck yesterday. I can understand the logic, the rationale. I can see how I am putting myself down, yet I my feelings seem to be completely impermeable to logic.
I'll keep the research, maybe I can find a suitable method for me.
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