I am finding myself in a very familiar position. I have a week off. Well, only two days to go really. I had work I wanted to do, and I was looking forward to spend some more time with my partner. So, there was no big holiday plan, just chill out, rest and enjoy the time together without thinking, or stressing, about work.
But as it happens very often I end up feeling bad about how I use my time.
It seems that it doesn't matter what I do I always feel like I have wasted my time. I have never done enough. The things that I want to do become obligations I impose on myself. So much that I can't barely enjoy doing them. It becomes something I have to do so as to not feel bad.
The same happens when I am working, almost everyday I end up feeling bad that I have not done enough work considering the time I have invested, to which I add feeling bad that I work too much and have little time for my partner and/or myself.
The fact that I mostly enjoy working doesn't seem to make things any better. What happens is that all these feelings end up stopping from being relaxed and enjoying the work.
I have been thinking about this for quite some time and I really don't know what to do.
I don't seem to be able to stop it, or change it. It is really taking away joy in everything.
I am not sure where it comes from.
I am really stuck with it.
Today I have people coming over for dinner.
I have started working on dinner early, trying to avoid being stress about it, in the hope that I can then enjoy the evening more. I kind of like cooking.
I already feel that it is taking too long and that I have other things I want to do today, and at this pace I won't be doing them.
To that I have to add that I still have work to do and I didn't want to have any work to do over the weekend, as I thought the minimum on being off for a week should be having my weekend for myself.
When I invited my friends I was worried that this might happen. It is suppose to be fun, I like being the host. But apparently I just can't relax and enjoy things anymore.
Would love it if someone had any suggestions, or just to know that this happens to other people as well, and hear how the handle it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
What do I deserve?
A lot has happened since the last time I blogged that I would have liked to write about.
I wonder why I find so difficult to make time to write.
For a while now I have been noticing that I am not making enough time for myself. This has some strange effect of me feeling like a spectator in my life. Not making time to process what happens since to soon result in me feeling out of control.
Over Christmas my grandfather died. This has been very difficult.
He was in hospital for over a week, and although we were told from the beginning he was not going to recover it was hard to give up hope.
It was also very hard to see him ill. To see him suffer. To sit there with him sometimes not knowing whether he recognised us.
For weeks, and even now sometimes, I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't give him enough comfort. Even though I did all I could, I go over and over times when I might have read his reactions wrong and not done what he wanted.
The thought is hard to bear.
I am still trying to deal with the grief, and process everything that has changed.
Then I started working. I started right after Christmas teaching in a school.
The school is far from were I live and I therefore have to travel a fair distance, which added to the workload makes for very long days. Hence my not finding much time for myself.
The understanding was that I was on a temporary contract for a while, as required by the agency that placed me but that the position would become permanent as soon as possible. However I am not sure this is going to work like that.
I have been asking about when I would be made permanent, and they are basically sitting on it. Apparently they are not sure at the present whether they want to make me permanent. This has been a blow to my confidence.
I am also very unhappy about the way it has been handled, as I have had to push to get any feedback, or any information about my situation.
I feel a bit "played". I understand they wanting to be sure before making me permanent, but I should have been told this when I first asked.
This not getting back to me has just pushed things to a situation where I have it very difficult to get a permanent position that starts before September due to the time required for me to submit my notice.
It is a funny thing that I was quite happy at work until all this has come up.
My feelings about work have quite rapidly changed with this issue.
And I can wonder how much of this change is "reasonable". The main thing about teaching is, or I think should be the students, and then the department environment.
However this has more to do with internal politics.
In general the rest of the staff has been nice and helpful.
So basically the only thing that has changed is that I now don't feel valued. And I feel a bit that they are trying to take advantage of me in a sense.
I think I just don't like the way it has been handled. The not getting back to me when I asked first time.
Taking to one of my colleagues I realised that maybe I have more negotiating power that I think. I can still submit my notice to leave before the end of the school year, which would be very bad for them, I think, as my students have already have a change of teacher this year. But I really do not want to use that kind of manoeuvre.
My colleague also pointed out that there are more opportunities for me out there, but having struggled to find a job in the first place I really wanted some security.
I realise though that there might be better opportunities for me, and that I just shouldn’t be so scared about exploring them.
It is a strange thing. If I look back I have done many very hard things in my life and I have gone through a lot, and managed. Nevertheless I feel very insecure and scared about everything these days.
I shouldn’t really be. Most people submit many applications before getting a job, I should really learn to handle that kind of rejection.
But I live with this very deeply set feeling that I am not good, and that I deserve nothing.
I wonder why I find so difficult to make time to write.
For a while now I have been noticing that I am not making enough time for myself. This has some strange effect of me feeling like a spectator in my life. Not making time to process what happens since to soon result in me feeling out of control.
Over Christmas my grandfather died. This has been very difficult.
He was in hospital for over a week, and although we were told from the beginning he was not going to recover it was hard to give up hope.
It was also very hard to see him ill. To see him suffer. To sit there with him sometimes not knowing whether he recognised us.
For weeks, and even now sometimes, I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't give him enough comfort. Even though I did all I could, I go over and over times when I might have read his reactions wrong and not done what he wanted.
The thought is hard to bear.
I am still trying to deal with the grief, and process everything that has changed.
Then I started working. I started right after Christmas teaching in a school.
The school is far from were I live and I therefore have to travel a fair distance, which added to the workload makes for very long days. Hence my not finding much time for myself.
The understanding was that I was on a temporary contract for a while, as required by the agency that placed me but that the position would become permanent as soon as possible. However I am not sure this is going to work like that.
I have been asking about when I would be made permanent, and they are basically sitting on it. Apparently they are not sure at the present whether they want to make me permanent. This has been a blow to my confidence.
I am also very unhappy about the way it has been handled, as I have had to push to get any feedback, or any information about my situation.
I feel a bit "played". I understand they wanting to be sure before making me permanent, but I should have been told this when I first asked.
This not getting back to me has just pushed things to a situation where I have it very difficult to get a permanent position that starts before September due to the time required for me to submit my notice.
It is a funny thing that I was quite happy at work until all this has come up.
My feelings about work have quite rapidly changed with this issue.
And I can wonder how much of this change is "reasonable". The main thing about teaching is, or I think should be the students, and then the department environment.
However this has more to do with internal politics.
In general the rest of the staff has been nice and helpful.
So basically the only thing that has changed is that I now don't feel valued. And I feel a bit that they are trying to take advantage of me in a sense.
I think I just don't like the way it has been handled. The not getting back to me when I asked first time.
Taking to one of my colleagues I realised that maybe I have more negotiating power that I think. I can still submit my notice to leave before the end of the school year, which would be very bad for them, I think, as my students have already have a change of teacher this year. But I really do not want to use that kind of manoeuvre.
My colleague also pointed out that there are more opportunities for me out there, but having struggled to find a job in the first place I really wanted some security.
I realise though that there might be better opportunities for me, and that I just shouldn’t be so scared about exploring them.
It is a strange thing. If I look back I have done many very hard things in my life and I have gone through a lot, and managed. Nevertheless I feel very insecure and scared about everything these days.
I shouldn’t really be. Most people submit many applications before getting a job, I should really learn to handle that kind of rejection.
But I live with this very deeply set feeling that I am not good, and that I deserve nothing.
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