Dependency

Yesterday I didn't manage to do anything "productive".
I couldn't get into filling in an application of redesigning my resume/cv again.
Eventually I gave up trying, but I couldn't get out of the state of despair and hopelessness I was in.
Thinking about it, I realised that the job, getting a job, has come to be of vital importance to me. I am currently dependent on my partner, economically. This is something I knew would happen, temporarily at east when we moved here.
We moved to another city at the beginning of summer because he had a job here. The timing was right for me as had just finished with the position I was in. I knew that finding a job in place, with no contacts and would be harder than staying where we were but we wanted to be together, and it all seemed to make sense.
On the days leading to the move I started to become more and more unsettled about the situation I was going to find myself in.
Probably as a consequence of my past I find it difficult to depend on people, it requires a degree of trust that I do not achieve easily (and I even wonder I do at all).
When I am unsettled we tend to argue, I think things don't come out the right way, and he gets very defensive. We have a pattern here a bit more complex than that, but that will do for now.
In the midst of all of it there was talk of marriage, as a way of giving me more security, to symbolise or solidify the commitment.
I have never bee a big fan of marriage, maybe because I thought that if I can't trust the person a piece of paper won't change that. Promises are made and broken too often, doesn't matter how "official" you make it, you can still break it.
But nevertheless over time I came around and decided that I needed to find a way to that make the leap of faith that trust, real trust, requires, and that that would be the way.
I did however say, that I wanted this to be brought up again, when we were more calm, I wanted to know that it wasn't about ending a crisis. I thought that would help me, actually I thought that was necessary for me. I am always very suspicious of promises made in a tense situation that in my experience are many times just made to scape the stressful situation, or giving in to pressure. I wanted to know it was "real".
Unfortunately he didn't mention it again. Not before I decided that he hadn't meant it.
This has had a very profound effect on me.
I have this part of me, my inner child maybe, which finds it near to impossible to really trust someone; that is always vigilant, expecting to be hurt, expecting a "bill" for every nice thing, wondering what the price will be this time.
I thought we had found a way to show her that there was no price to pay, that there was a commitment to be good, to be nice and comforting just because that is what loving someone is.
But then, when this didn't come around I am left thinking that he doesn't really want to deal with that part of me. That he wants it not be there and will do anything to stop the "crisis", but that he does not think it once it is over.
He doesn't really care for that part of me (and therefore doesn't really care for me).
I am ashamed of this part of me, I hide it because i think it makes me weak, because I know it makes me vulnerable. I know that it was my wanting to have a nice comforting father that led me stay in the situation where I was being hurt. To do nothing, and even long for the attention despite the price I had to pay for it.

It is something that I thin has tainted every experience in life. The deep believe that I am utterly unlovable, that no one really cares. There is always a price, or in the best case scenario there is part of me that will just not be attended to.
It feels terrible.

Another reason I was not willing to marry before was that I needed to keep myself free enough. I couldn't make certain promises because I had promise myself that in the future I would do what I have failed to do in the past, that is someone was being hurtful, consistently hurtful, I would remove myself from that situation, I would protect myself.
When I decided I would commit it was on the basis that I had enough confidence that things were going to be ok for me, that he was going to be good to me. Now I don't know if that is the case, i don't know where I am, I am not sure whether I am being a fool staying or if I am being overly distrustful.
He has brought up the topic and I have said I can't make any promises now.
And that is pretty much it, I don't see much concern about why it has change. He seemed hurt, but didn't anything.

So, when I put myself in this position where I am dependent the personal situation was different, now I feel I have nothing to hold on to, and therefore desperately need a job. feeling secure, independent, and having some validation.
I know no job, no professional success will be enough to make me feel good about myself, I know there are more important things for me. And that is why I came, even though it would make my professional life harder.
But, that having failed, the job acquires extra importance.