Confidence

Yesterday ended up being not such a good day.
I felt ok all day long but I didn't get anything "productive" done.
Today I had a bad night, bad dreams, and I am not feeling so optimistic or upbeat as yesterday.

There is something abut my dreams that is starting to get me. Quite often I dream of my ex. In the dreams we are still together, but the weirdest part is that very often I am with my actual partner, but he is my ex. It is confusing, as in some parts it is really him, but then he is my ex...
I really don't like having those dreams. And the fact that this mixing of my partner and my ex is a common occurrence is starting to worry me. I guess it means something.
But the relationship is totally different, and he is really not like my ex. I feel very differently with him (needless to say better).

I do find it hard to get on with the day when I have dreams like this, thought the ones that involve my father and/or my family tend to unsettle me more.
I really feel like dragging myself around now, not much energy not much motivation. Just get through the day, that seems to be all I can aspire to days like this.
It is really not enough. Looking back I have been getting through the day for quite a while now. It seems more like surviving than living.
I am not sure I understand why I am like this, I really do not feel like I am struggling with my personal issues so much. Not as much as I used to. Even bad nights are not nearly as bad as they used to be.
I used to have real nightmares, waking up very anxious, and unable to sleep again.
However, I am lacking confidence, just the same as I used to, and there is a lack of.... I don't know. I lack purpose maybe, lack direction.
I remember reading a book about confidence and it did say at the beginning that if you don't have big dreams is most likely because you have stop yourself from dreaming. It is like being a step behind wanting something but not having the confidence to go for i; you stop yourself from wanting it.
I think I am quite probably at that place...I tell myself I just don't know what I want but the truth is probably that I am scared of recognising I want something, because the not having it, or not doing anything to achieve would be worse than how I am now.

On the other hand this seems contradictory with me not feeling as low, depressed and anxious on a daily basis as I used to... or maybe not, maybe that is precisely why I don't feel like that.

I need to think this over, something is definitely off.