Torn

The pain is still with me.
I have been to the doctors and they are going to run a series of tests, including an ultrasound… I am actually getting a bit worried.

For the past few days I have been a bit moody as well. I don’t know what it is but it seems that everything annoys me, particularly what partner does.
Things between us have not been great lately.
I am very confused about the relationship. On the one hand I think he is quite good to me. He listens and he is empathic. On the other hand he does not talk, I mean about himself, and he never asks questions. Sometimes that makes me feel…I guess makes me question whether he really cares. Why does he not follow up on things?
The issue about his habit of not talking about his feelings, is long standing. And it is not just not talking, he tends to withhold emotions. And he withdraws when asked.

So, I feel confused. I seem to have contradictory feelings about him, and us.
One minute I think he cares and is there for me, and the next I feel I don’t know where he is at all.
We had a big discussion/argument last weekend about all this. And he made an effort on Monday to bring it up and talk about himself and what is going on with him.
However we have been here before, he becomes very aware of it when I make a big fuss and he tries for a while, but soon things go back to “normal”. Until I feel alienated or stranded enough that I make a big fuss again.

I know he tries, I know where he is coming from, I know his family and can see how he worked out that it was much better to keep to himself and show as little as possible. But I do not want to have a relationship where I have to constantly overcome huge barriers to know where the other person is. I want to share , I want someone who wants to share. He says he wants, and it is true that he has worked on it a lot, he has gone to therapy, and we have gone to a counsellor together. I have seen him being pushed and being very uneasy and come through, with big efforts.

But I do not know how to cope with how things are at the moment. I appreciate the good intentions and the efforts but I still don’t have what I need to feel good about us.
It takes along time to change what he is trying to change.
And I think I have started to resent him for all that I put. For feeling 100% responsible for the communication, and making the relationship work. For being open, and saying out loud and without reservations what I need and have been “overlook” it.

It was such a hard thing for me to do, to say honestly what I think I need.
Thinking back I don’t believe I have ever done it before. Too risky.
Because what happens if you don’t get it? It hurts twice as much as if you haven’t said it and you can tell yourself the other person hasn’t noticed.
But when they know… what then? Should I leave? Part of me really wants to. There is a voice saying he doesn’t really care. He cares on his own way and that is not going to make me happy, it does not cover what I need.
There is another part of me that says that he has his own problems and limitations, and he is trying, and maybe I could cut him some slack.

I am torn.