I had a terrible night. It was one bad dream after another.
I tried staying awake, thinking of something different, distracting myself for a while before going back to sleep hoping that would make a difference to the dream theme but it didn’t work. I got up very early, exhausted, feeling as if I had not slept at all. But I couldn’t face going back to sleep, even though it was hard to keep my eyes open.
The dreams were all about my family, and my father was on some.
I hate when I have dreams in which my father is there, as if that was the situation now in the present (my parents divorced about fifteen years ago, though he lived with us for a year a couple of years after they divorced).
I think I am worried about my family, things are not going very well for them, there are economic worries, but more than anything is all the personal stuff that worries me.
I don’t think they are doing very well in that department either.
However I feel unable to help. I tried talking to them quite a few times in the past, and I do when there is a window of opportunity now, but that rarely happens.
They do not want to talk. If I ask any of them about themselves, they are fine, is the others that have trouble I should talk to them. And that is what they all say.
Then form time to time there are arguments that I get to hear about; I believe there are many I do not get to hear about. I mostly hear from my mother, and when she tells me why she is upset I understand and empathise, but then she tells me what she is done about it or plans to do and… it is hard to explain. I can see how it is not going to work; she approaches issues all at once, mixing her feeling towards the ‘family’ or even ‘everyone’ into a confrontation with one person. She brings everything up when the issue sparks from one particular incident. Also there is a tendency of extending comments and criticism far beyond what is reasonable.
I’ll give an example. In an argument with my brother which started with work related issues (they work together) she brings up personal issues, between them, and even issues about who she disagrees on his behaviour towards other members of the family (the way he talked to my aunt), and complains about his clothes, his eating and drinking habits etc. So everything gets mixed up, and obviously nothing really is taking away by the recipient of this outburst.
I am very familiar with this. She has always been like this. And she is not the only one; it is more or less the way the family operates.
I find it impossible to deal with, I mean I can deal with it, I can take it when the outburst is directed at me, and I have managed over the years to stop myself counter-attacking in the same fashion (it is hard work, believe me) but what I can not do is stir things in different more productive direction. When it is about me I can negotiate what would I do that would make things better, but when it comes to the others I can’t. If I say anything about restricting the conflict to one issue, or about the hostility it is being dealt with, I get accused of being on the other person side, or not seeing the whole picture, or … whatever, there is always something (they are very articulate people).
So what does all this have to do with my dreams? Lots I think.
I believe I feel guilty that I have set myself apart from my family.
It was not just because they have not supported me about the issues with my father, which was very very painful, but also because I couldn’t find a way to be myself among them. I find the family dynamics asphyxiating. Problems don’t ever get resolved, just left to rest until next time. People don’t usually say what they really have a problem with anyway, it is all hidden in a discourse aim to make the other feel bad, and set oneself as righteous.
I needed to solve my issues, At some point I was close to ending my life. I needed to move on, to process, to heal, to learn to understand myself and not be controlled by my emotions, which seemed erratic and overpowering.
I relate to people in a very different way now. I don’t think I am perfect far from it; there are still many issues I do not handle well at all (as it is clear form the precious post I guess). But I am better. I feel better, and I believe I am better to others. I listen more, I reflect before I answer, I don’t just react.
When I go back home, sometimes I get sucked into the old habits again. It happens less nowadays than it used to though. I do not loose my temper anymore, but I do feel really on edge, and uneasy most of the time.
I am convinced that to leave close to family again would be to be unhappy. I can’t change them, all I can do is change myself. But the way they are, they react and even the way the view things gets to me, hurts me. I guess it shows me why things happened the way they did, about me, about my father, about no one noticing, about no one supporting me. First they didn’t believe, then they just ignored it. When I pushed things once, the reaction in summary was: that was long ago, you have to move on, don’t get stuck in the past.
My dreams where all about my family. About me being back home, living with them, trying to work things out for them. Trying to live in that constant battle. Living with my father, as it was back then.
I feel responsible for them, and therefore I feel guilty about being away.
But deep down I know I can’t help them, and I can’t live with them.
I have to have my life, and they have theirs. That is the way things should be anyway right?
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