Back to square one

Looking for a job, again. Without really knowing what I want to do.
It seems to me this is where I was when I finished university, many years ago.
Then I went back to university, and after some time working got myself into another course at university. Though this was mainly a practical course, and most of the time was spent on a placement, working.
So, I guess I count at least, three major “stops” when I have tried to decide what I wanted to do and yet I seem to not know.
During the last year, and particularly during the last few weeks I have done a lot of “soul searching” trying to figure out what really makes me “tick”.
One thing that I am not setting as a priority is being happy. It might sound a bit of a strange thing to say, do I mean that I was seeking to be unhappy before? No of course not. But in a way I was not really focussed on achieving happiness.
For starters I do not think I had much of an idea of what that really meant.
I was surviving, and I think happiness was to me like colours might be for a person born blind. It is something that you imagine, you hear people talk about, but you really don’t know what it is, how it is like, and you have no framework to help you develop the concept.
I think before I was motivated by the desire of eliminating the effect of my past.
I wanted to have the life I imagine I would have had without the abuse.
So, I chose a partner (well, over time more than one) that had certain qualities I liked but not someone who was not understanding of my issues, and my needs.
I worked really hard on the relationship and tried really hard to be somewhere I was not, to be someone I was not. I tried to be and feel like someone with a different past would have (or how I thought they would).
On a professional level I did the same. When I finished high school, it was decided I would go to university. This had been decided long ago and not really by me but by my parents.
In any case I was not unhappy with it. When it came to decide what I was going to study I consider studying psychology. However, this was not a profession that my family would value. Furthermore they seem to be very dismissive of the field, and there was a theory that only people who have a problem they do not wish to tell anyone studies or trains in that field.
Now, that really hit a chord on me because it was very true in my case that I had a problem I did not want to discuss. At the time I didn’t even really know what my problem was, I was utterly confused and thought there was something wrong with me. It is also true that I had an interest in human behaviour and development, but I dismissed the idea and studied science, physics. Something I was good at and that they would value. And probably, I thought was what I would have liked to do had I not have any trouble while growing up.
So, I was determined to have a “normal” life.
Over the years I have though of training for counselling several times.
I have always decided against, or put it off.
Now I find myself thinking about it again, and again finding reasons to not do it on the basis of practical reasons, and a feeling that it is now too late, and that I have already trained enough over my life.
I can’t figure out what would make me happy, I feel blocked in so many ways.