It has been some time since my last post. I have been wanting to write but I have not found the time to do it. It is a strange thing, is not that have not had any time but I don't feel I can write when my partner is around. I haven't told him about the blog, not sure why.
The last few weeks I have been busy with job interviews, and temporary work. Very temporary, mainly filling in for people for a day or two.
It has been very stressful. Both, the hectic work and the interviews, but it is obviously all good, and a positive change for me.
It has given me a much needed boost of self esteem and it has also provided some income, which I believe also contributes to me feeling a bit more confident. Starting to recover my independence.
Last week I noticed something about myself.
I had four short interviews on the same day, all organised by a recruitment agency.
The interviews went well, and one of the employers made me an offer, two of the others wanted to see me again. I really felt so much better about myself that day.
They were interested and in general the day was a great success for me. I spent the next three days with the further interviews, and the last one didn't go well.
This completely brought me down. I felt I was not good enough for anything and started to feel like a fraud, particularly thinking about the offer that I had still on the table. Even though I was almost decided even before interview I wanted to take the other offer (I really considered not even going, I was that convinced about the other place) the fact that I didn't do well, made me feel like I wanted them to make me an offer, to get an opportunity to show I can be better... even though I was not feeling all that confident that I can be better.
What I guess I have noticed is that it doesn't matter how may "success" I manage, any "failure" makes me think I am not good for anything, and that every other success has been a fluke, and I am actually a fake or a fraud.
Rationally, I can see that we all have better days, or better moments, and that we all make mistakes sometimes. But the fact is that I seem to process the "goods" as by chance, and the "bads" as my real ability and even more an intrinsic characteristic of myself.
I finally accepted the offer, which I would have been delighted to do in the first place the day of the interview, but I felt a bit bitter about it, because my confidence was low, and I felt even a bit scared that I will not be able to hit the mark. A few days ago I felt completely sure I could do a very good job at that place but...
I should be happy, and I think today I am, that I have a job. That I will not have to keep searching. I will have some stability and a fixed income (once I pass the probation period). The past few months have been hard, not having work has been hard.
However, this interview keeps playing in my head, and I have been even having dreams about it. It is really tainting what should be a nice time.
My partner wanted to celebrate, and I wasn't in the mood.
Maybe I won;t be able to celebrate until I am sure, first I said when we sign the contract, and now I am thinking once probation is over... will that be the end of it?
Judging from past experience it won't.
I think I really need to work on me to change this, i need to be able to see the positives; to see accept them and process them the same way I do with the negatives.
Rudyard Kipling's words come to my mind, once again....
...
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
.....
I need to have a reasonable, stable measure of myself that does not depend so much on external validation. We all need some validation, but I need to have some self confidence. I will never do everything right. I am not going to be excellent every day. Or even good. That does not mean that I what I do well has no value, or is done well by chance. It is me, the same me that gets things wrong.
An this should apply to the personal issues as well.
I am not lovable just in the measure that someone else loves me the way I need.
He might get it wrong, that does not mean there is something wrong with me (that I am not lovable).
I see people, friends, that can take things as they come, good and bad, and keep a steady self esteem and self confidence. I envy them. I wish I was like that.
And I should really work on it.
I have been trying, but maybe I have not taken it seriously enough.
But thinking about it now, I realise that achieving that will improve my quality of life more than any job, more than any change my partner can make.
Have I been fighting the wrong battles?
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