I wanted to explain what the aim of the blog is. I guess I wasn't all that clear when I started what I wanted it to be about. I thought I wanted to tell about the molestation explicitly, but as I go on I realise that what I really want to comunicate is how I felt about it.
I realise now, that what weights more for me is not the times that he did touch me, but the feeling of fear, uneassines, violation that I lived with all those years.
Those feelings where there everyday, I grew up with them and I think that is why they are such a deep part of me, I hosted them not only the days something would happen, but everyday.
I always felt unsafe, undeserving. I learnt a twisted version of love.
I never felt I could tell my mother, or anyone about it, and I think that has to do with her, and my relationship with her, which obviously also affected my deeply. Then there is also the rest of the family, my brother and other memebers that were very close to me, but that I never confided in. Why? there is a reason to it, and not only has to do with the abuse, but with the family dynamic.
I want to comunicate these feelings more than the details of the molestation. I will keep trying to do it by telling about particular events because I find very hard to explain these things otherwise.
I would like to able to show how and why I felt like a prisioner on my own skin. Why life felt as a sentence more than anything else.
I don't think the posts are going to be cronological.
I have tried, but things come to me as they come, and that is not in cronological order, I now that makes more difficult to graps things, but I don't think I can do otherwise.
For example the one thing that has been on my mind recently, is the time when I have been closet to suicide, and wil probably be my next post (maybe even today).
3 comments:
This blog should be whatever you want it to be. I know talking about ones past is very hard. Believe me I know. Your courage is admired. Know that you do have a support system here if you want one.
(((hugs)))
Yeah, I can't write in chronological oder,either. I'm glad you're feeling the feelings. I know it's hard,but ultimately it's very healing. Hope you are taking gentle care.
I understand growing up with a twisted view of love. People with "normal" families don't understand the depth of emotion that is learned and developed at a very young age. They take for granted something they don't know they have. I'm jealous that was not my fate. But,thats life and I only have this one to live. So, I am here if you need...
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