Anger

I am struggling with feelings of anger lately. I seem to be getting quite angry quite quickly over small things.
The truth is that my partner seems to be the trigger. I am not having any issues with other people, except him, and maybe myself.
I think it is very closely related to the situation between us, for which I seem to blame him.
He didn't do what we have agreed as a way to deal with my trust issues, and then he didn't deal with the consequences either. I actually feel he has not even tried to understand them.
Of course he seems to make an effort every time I make a big deal, but he doesn't bring it up himself, and what is probably affecting more of all, he doesn't act on it.

I am not sure where I am with all this.
The way I just wrote I am picturing a person who is not being really honest, and I don't think I really believe that of him.
I guess this is my constant battle.

We had the opportunity to go to see our therapist the weekend before last, and I talked about how difficult I am finding the situation between us, How I am struggling to handle the relationship, the mistrust, the disappointment.
She, the therapist pointed out how all this anger, and even the difficulties I am facing, are not only due to what is happening now but also because of my past.
I know this, I knew it already.However, I can't really see it. There has only been one occasion when I have realised I wasn't angry just because of what he had done, but because of what it triggered. Most of the times I see such a clear direct link between what he has done and my anger, that I can't really see the other factors; can't see how my history is playing part. Not only I can not see it at the time, but I can't see it later either.
I can see that I get "too" angry, that my reaction is somewhat out of proportion, but this does't help me much.
Also the fact that we have "danced" around certain issues for such a long time, and they keep happening, he keeps doing the same, seems to me part of the reason why I react so strongly nowadays.

I am worried, I don't like the person I feel i am becoming. I seem to have no more empathy, or compassion for him.
I get angry, I shout at him, explaining why I am angry in a way that I know he has trouble coping with. The he looks very fragile, as if he was loosing his strength. I know he is punishing himself for getting things "wrong" (again).
Yet, what goes through my mind is " Here we go, now he starts feeling sorry for himself, seeks comfort, from me, and then does nothing about any of this". I play this thoughts in my mind, how so many times this has happened, I am angry or hurt, as I used to get hurt, not angry like now, and then when I say it, he goes into this self-deprecating exercise. Then the focus is on him, his needs, his problems, his... and I always buy into this, and try to help.
I guess I always expected than once that was sorted he would actually go back to think about what i said, and take it on board, try to help. So I feel cheated. In a very profound way. Because this has been going on since very early in the relationship.
When we started therapy one of my main complains was that there was an unbalanced in the relationship, that I felt I had to take care of the emotional need of both of us.
More than a year after our first therapy appointment I don't see significant change.

Here is where I see how what is happening related to my past. I have definitely felt like this in my previous relationship.
I have actually felt like this about my parents. People who supposedly love me end up just taking from me and not giving.
This is actually why I have such an apprehension to being told "I love you".
It used to, and it does again, feel like a trap. That what is means is that someone is just going to give me enough so I stick around while they take everything from me.

And I guess that the art that makes me really angry is that I fell for it, every time.

That when I confront people and say "how is that you say you love me yet you keep hurt me the same way, even though I have told you what hurts me." and the answer is normally not very elaborated here, is either " don't know why i do it, but I don;t mean to hurt you and I know I do love you", or the maybe more mean variation where the problem is shifted to me taking things the wrong way, and just feeling like I do because I decided to do so.
Of course I know there is much to say for what he read in other people's actions, and I might be interpreting things in a way that is not meant. But the question remains, why keep doing it once you have been told about its effect.

I am actually feeling rage now. And I do not know how to handle it.
I used to have this problem a lot as a teenager, I believe it is what led me to try some drugs (the I found out that they provoke more problems that they solve. They actually don't solve anything, just help avoidance).

I guess I need help, I did agree to seek help with this when we went to therapist.
Part of me though, feels like what I need is to leave.
I wonder I have not crossed a not return point in this relationship. I really don't like being so callous.
And of course, I really don;t like being so angry.
It is a very very uncomfortable feeling. (I even have angry dreams)

how do my dreams link to my emotional state?

I continue to have quite unsettling dreams very often. Almost every night.
There are quite a variety of them really and I can’t tell whether they are related or what is bringing this on.
I think it might have to do with how I feel about the relationship with my partner.

We have had another “difficult” weekend. Difficult id not the right word but I don’t know how to describe it. We just had another discussion, because I am still upset/unsettled about the same things. I don’t know if this can be fixed, and that thought scares me.
I had so much hope that things were going to change, were going to be different. That I was going to really trust someone and feel warm and safe, cared for.
Things have not turned out tat way, and I am really hurt, and I do not know how to get passed it. Seems like something has changed inside. I am wondering if I still love him the same way, I am not sure.

During the weekend I realised that I am finding it hard to spend time together. Thinking about it I realised that I have been compartmentalising. I don’t want to live like that again. I know every relationship has its problems, I don’t expect things to be always perfect. But I think that nature of what doesn’t work runs so deep that I need to completely put it away. Then every so often it comes to me, and makes me wonder why am I in this relationship.
Without that trust that has been broken lots of things sort of loos their meaning.
Hugs, kisses and other signs of affection don’t really reach me.
I go from being very affectionate to being cold. I think sometimes I become affectionate because I need the affection and when I realise that I can’t really get it ( not that he will no respond, it is just that it doesn’t reach me) I turn away.

I feel hurt let down and lonely.

Just noticed that I have avoided saying what it was that I needed, and the truth is I am not very comfortable writing about it. Not sure whether this is about being worried of how anonymous this site really is.
No one has commented, and I am not sure if anyone is reading, but I still worry that maybe someone I know, or even him, will find this site. Some people I wouldn’t mind but others I would. It really feels like I should say it, put it our there, but I can’t.

Maybe that is why all this dreams, I am very unsettled in a very familiar way.
I feel that the love I get is not right for me, that is not the way I want to be loved, is not the way I want things to be.
This is the way I grew up and how most my relationships have turned out to be.
Love seemed like a very twisted thing to me. There was such a high price to pay for the good things.