Worry

I have had three interviews last week, for teaching jobs. Didn't get any of the positions. form what I can see there are not many positions going around so I am worrying.
I am really worrying that I am not going to find any job, of any kind.
I have been unemployed for over three months now. It feels like forever though.
And my worry keeps growing. I also worry that my relationship with my partner on whom I am dependent right now, is not going as well as I expected either.
I worry I have made a mistake, that I should not have moved here with him without having a job. That I should not have allowed myself to think that it was going to be good, that I should have know better to know that good thing do not happen to me.

So, that is quite a lot of worry. To that I add that I am worried about my reaction to all this. I don't seem to have much energy anymore.
I remember that before I used to be very determined, and I thought that if I worked for things I would get them, and I guess in many cases it worked (I had to put a lot of effort but I did it)
I don't seem to be willing to put that much effort into things anymore. I wonder if it is because I do not want it enough, or maybe it is something worse.
Am I getting depress again?
I don't think I am, but from time to time I get this ideas about ending my life.
I have had these kind of thoughts before. I was in pain, not physically, I was too tired of being in pain, and not manage to get a bit of peace ever.
I wanted those feelings to stop so much, and it seemed so impossible that not existing seemed a better option.
I don't really know where the thought are coming from now.
I just don't find my life fulfilling. I don;t think I am suffering, I definitely have felt a lot more depressed, worthless, tired, helpless that I feel now.
However the thoughts come, and it seems as some kind of relieve.
I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't feel scared, or lonely.
I wouldn't feel anything, and that seems attractive.
Maybe I am not feeling particularly bad, but I am not feeling any good either.
And I don't seem to find a reason why to carry on. I think maybe that is the key. I feel guilty about some of the people i would leave behind, who might feel responsible, or just sad. That is the main thing that makes me discard the thoughts. But they worry me.
It worries me to find myself so unattached to live.


I started reading a book about how to stop worrying.
I am not finding the advice helpful so far. First, the author proposes to live in day tight compartments. Leave the past behind and do not worry about the future, live in the present. He doesn't mean not to plan at all for the future, but not to postpone things, and not to worry about it, not to be anxious about it. At first it seemed to me something I could do, but then I have come to realise that I can't do it. I am working on the living the past behind, take the lessons, drop the rest, no resentments, grudges, guilt... learn from what has happened, think about what you can do better next time. That is all you should take from the past. That I am working on, and I can believe in.
The second part, the future, I am struggling with. I don't know what my future will bring, but one of my worries is that it will be as my present, which I am not enjoying at all.

There is more advise I am having trouble with. It is suggested that it is a good strategy to prepare for the worst that could happen then calmly improved on it.
One is told to reconcile oneself with the worst. I am finding I can not do that either.
If I stop to think about what I am worried about, and what is the worst that could happen, I find that for some of my worries, the worst that could happen is that things would remain as they are, because I can not reconcile myself with living like this long term. I guess this is were the suicidal thoughts come in.
I am not worried that terrible things would happen. I am worried that I will carry on on this existence that I am not finding fulfilling. I just don't see the point in living however many more years like this. It seems pointless.

The part of improving on the worse calmly doesn't really work until you have managed to reconcile yourself with the worst. I wish it did. But it doesn't.
I am trying to improve the situation, but I am doing it because I do not reconcile myself with it, and I am doing it with worry and anxiousness, and with a deep sense of defeat, with little hope.
This might have a lot to do with my lack of success so far, but I am stuck here.
I can't bring myself to feel differently.