Problems as a parent

Becoming a mother has been an incredible journey. it has also open up many wounds. Some I didn't really know existed. I have had a somehow difficult relationship with my mother for a long time. I remember when I was in my twenties and she kept pushing me to have children because she wanted to be a grandmother,  thinking that I wasn't sure I wanted her around for the event.

Time passed and when I had my first child I did call her to come to see the baby. I live very far away so a visit needs to be for a few days at least.
Then my second child came along and she came to help for a few weeks. Things were tense.
From early on I didn't like how she did certain things with my child, the first one was then two years old.  He is now five and over time some I have realised how much it is unresolved with her.
My father's death also brought up some stuff that I thought was more settled.
I think the main issue is: how do I trust her with my children when she did not protect me?
When I tried to speak up she silenced me. It is easy to say later on that she just didn't know anything, but I see so many things now that she decided not to see.
I see how she misreads my children emotional needs and ignores me when I tell her.  I talk to her and I realise it is like talking to a wall. She has set ideas about how things are and won't change.  If a child is crying for something she thinks he/she shouldn't cry she ignores them for a while and then tells them it is not ok to cry for that.

Just before my second was born one day she went out with my son, he was a bit reluctant.  He then wanted to go back home to be with me. She didn't bring him home. She continued with her plan and told him his behaviour was not acceptable.  I have repeatedly asked her to always let him come back to me when he asked. But despite our agreement and the child's cries she didn't bring him back.
I was so angry with her I didn't even said anything. There have been many arguments already.
For days my son wouldn't go out with her. He was happy to play in the house with her, but wouldn't go out.

This was not the first time she had failed to call me when he was with her and had instructions to do so if he was upset about me not being there.
She disagrees with this parenting decision and doesn't respect it. It is the same with other things.
She argues she has a right to establish her own relationship with the kids and do things her own way.
I feel she hasn't learned anything from her mistakes and don't feel comfortable leaving them with her for more than a couple of hours.

When I was a child I spent lots of time with my grandparents. They would take care of us over the easter and summer holidays.  I even lived with them for a few months when my father's health required my parents to go away for specialist treatment.
She expected her relationship with her grandchildren would be the same.
But I don't see how it can be.
I have talked to her about these issues, how she doesn't respect my parenting and how the children react like they so sometimes because of what she does. But she doesn't seem to register it.

There are similar issues with basic diet and safety issues. I don't think she pays enough attention to the kids outside and I worry about them getting lost and/or ran over.
She refuses to take a phone with her when they go out. She doesn't say she is refusing she just never takes it, or if she does doesn't answer it.

I had always been so centred in overcoming what my father did I seem to have not dealt much with the issues with her.  There was problems when I told the family. As I expected they weren't very supportive. I was angry with her about that.
Having my children though it brings a whole new dimension to the problems.
It has also made me see things differently.  I no longer buy into the I just couldn't do anything else but stay with him, or I didn't know anything was wrong.

I would do anything to protect my children.
And if I see the behavioural changes that I showed as a teenager I will not just let it go because "you were so difficult".
As a parent I feel I have to be the bigger person, work through the barriers and find a way to help my child.

I keep trying to come back to blogging somehow regularly, but I am unable to stick with it.
First problem is that so many times I want to stop to sit and write about something but I can't because life is so busy and there is no time that then by the time I get to do it I don't know were to start. How to make one post about one issue/topic at time.
A second problem is feeling discouraged by the fact that no one is reading.  I feel so isolated.
I used to write in a notebook, not exactly a journal but I wrote in order to try to process things. Over time I have started to feel the need for more communication. Of course that is probably linked t having less interactions with people I can really talk to.  As friends move away (or I do) and relationships become more distant. There is no longer frequent interaction with close friends.

Lately the issue of loneliness has been quite difficult for me.
I have a partner and two kids, I spent almost no time alone in any given day. I even go to the loo when I don't need to so as to get a couple of minutes alone (which doesn't even work), yet I feel very lonely.
A couple of very important friendships ended in the last three years, mainly because of issues around the kids, but obviously is how we deal with the relationships and not the kids that are the real problem. Why it couldn't be resolved, why it was easier/better to part. It wasn't my choice, I wanted to talk things over. But the turn of things is that I feel inadequate with people very often. Even friends. I am worried about things going wrong again, I am unsure of myself around people most the time. So as much as I want to reach out to break the loneliness I realise that just being around people doesn't work. Not being able to connect in a deeper level anymore is what causes the feelings of isolation. And the lack of connection is quite general. It happens with friends, with my partner and with family.

He is terminally ill

I haven't written for a long time.  I no longer have the time to follow people and don't think anyone is following me anymore so I guess I lack motivation.

Something happened today though, and I am wondering if other survivors have had experiences like this and if they would share.

I learned that my father is terminally ill.
He haven't spoken for over a decade. I know from my family that at least until a few years ago he denied any wrongdoing.

So ow I am pondering whether I should try to talk to him or not.
Is there any possibility of closure? will I regret it if I don't say my goodbyes (however wrong it might go)?

I am really struggling.

The thought of just never see him again was fine before, but after getting the news... it has become very unsettling.  I guess before there was always a possibility, but that will pass.

Has anyone gone through something similar?

What changes when you become a mother....

Last post was 2012, wow! I had actually have to check that it is really 2015!

So, I haven't given myself a lot of time to write "lately".
Well, I better get started on my thoughts rather than the past.

I think everyone who becomes a parent will have a lot of issues form their childhood stirred. and this is probably specially true for survivors. I am desperate to do a good ob with my children and not only to protect them from others but also to be a better parent than my parent were.

The problem with abuse is that there is a dysfunctional family dynamic that somehow "allows" it. I mean in the cases, like mine where the abuse goes unnoticed. But I know this is quite common. So it is not only the abuser but the other members of the family, in particular the other parent, that leaves us with issues that affect us for life.

In my case is my mother. Her refusal to ever see the problems and therefore act on them. It was not only the issue with me and my father, there was also a massive depression that she never acknowledged and many problems I had as a teenager. All these where clear signs that something was wrong but to the day she will sustain that she couldn't have know.

Most of the problems I had were treated not as problems but as me being "like that". i.e. I was a trouble teenager I was moody and difficult. When I moved out of home most of these issues got better. I lived with other family members and I was not a problematic individual anymore. On the contrary I was participative of these "new family" live. I helped around the house, enjoy spending time with them and generally was the opposite of what I had been home. I stopped taking drugs (not that my mother ever noticed, or showed concern that I did). Basically despite having a lot of issues the relief of being out, of being constantly "under attack" not just by my father being there, but by the bombardment of negative comments about my persona constantly thrown at me by my mother and brother was such that a lot of the anger seemed to vanish.

In this new environment I was able to build a life for myself.
However, as all survivor know, the trauma runs deep and the issues come back to hunt you. Relationships are difficult, very difficult and for me very painful. I, like many others, didn't choose the best partners either. I choose what was familiar.

So I always felt... unvalued, used, unloved... the list goes on.
So, lots of therapy later and what I thought to be a positive relationship I decided I was ready to have children.

Up to then I always felt I would be a terrible mother as I was convinced there was something utterly wrong with me. Now I am wondering again whether I am an "ugly" person inside, and whether this relationship is really positive. I started going to therapy to deal with the loss of a couple very close family members that happen within months and in the end I ended up mainly talking about my children and my worries about how my past seems to be affecting the present, affecting what I do as a mother.

There was a lot more summarising my past that I had in mind and I now seem to have lost the connection with that feeling I started the post with.
Another common issue I have, dissociating.
I know it is a useful surviving tool but can be a pest when you actually want to work through your issues and suddenly you can't "access" them.

I got a phone call and had to come out of "my bubble" to respond and be useful so now I can't go back. grrr

New Things

I have not posted here for quite a while.
This blog started as a way of talking about my childhood experiences and the effects they have in my adult life.
I was never very regular in my writing.
Previously, I had a blog that I decided to delete because I felt I was no longer anonymous. Ever since then, I have had some reluctancy to writing.

Time has passed and my life has changed. Most things for better, though not all of them.
I am quite lost professionally.

Currently, I am not working, as I am expecting a baby soon.
I have been teaching for the past couple of years. But I have not found a stable job, and I am struggling to find a place I really would like to stay in the long term.
I see many problems with the education system. It never worked for me when I was student and apparently it doesn't work form me from the other side either.
I wasn't a bad student, on the contrary I have been fairly successful academically, I even completed a PhD, but this was despite my schooling no thanks to it.
I was lucky that as my marks were good enough the school didn't make a fuzz about me missing lessons, which I did more often than not.
I treated school more as a social occasion than a learning setting. I enjoyed the company of my classmates, and when I got older and could manage to spend time with them outside the lessons, I did so instead of attending the lessons.
I would learn by myself what I have missed in class, and this always seem to work better for me than actually being in class, where I was normally distracted and bored.

But there was always one thing that was important to me. I liked learning. I liked it very much.
It just didn't easily happen in the school setting.

I always felt learning made my life better, I felt enriched.

And I think I very deeply feel that point is missing in education today.
I am tired of hearing parents, teachers, and policy makers talk about the importance of an education in terms of future jobs and economic prospects.
For many students it is not true, and even when it is... maybe we shouldn't make economic prospects the whole point of acquiring and education?

Anyway, that will be a different post.

Loosing my ability to relax and enjoy things

I am finding myself in a very familiar position. I have a week off. Well, only two days to go really. I had work I wanted to do, and I was looking forward to spend some more time with my partner. So, there was no big holiday plan, just chill out, rest and enjoy the time together without thinking, or stressing, about work.
But as it happens very often I end up feeling bad about how I use my time.
It seems that it doesn't matter what I do I always feel like I have wasted my time. I have never done enough. The things that I want to do become obligations I impose on myself. So much that I can't barely enjoy doing them. It becomes something I have to do so as to not feel bad.

The same happens when I am working, almost everyday I end up feeling bad that I have not done enough work considering the time I have invested, to which I add feeling bad that I work too much and have little time for my partner and/or myself.
The fact that I mostly enjoy working doesn't seem to make things any better. What happens is that all these feelings end up stopping from being relaxed and enjoying the work.

I have been thinking about this for quite some time and I really don't know what to do.
I don't seem to be able to stop it, or change it. It is really taking away joy in everything.
I am not sure where it comes from.
I am really stuck with it.

Today I have people coming over for dinner.
I have started working on dinner early, trying to avoid being stress about it, in the hope that I can then enjoy the evening more. I kind of like cooking.
I already feel that it is taking too long and that I have other things I want to do today, and at this pace I won't be doing them.
To that I have to add that I still have work to do and I didn't want to have any work to do over the weekend, as I thought the minimum on being off for a week should be having my weekend for myself.

When I invited my friends I was worried that this might happen. It is suppose to be fun, I like being the host. But apparently I just can't relax and enjoy things anymore.

Would love it if someone had any suggestions, or just to know that this happens to other people as well, and hear how the handle it.

What do I deserve?

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged that I would have liked to write about.
I wonder why I find so difficult to make time to write.
For a while now I have been noticing that I am not making enough time for myself. This has some strange effect of me feeling like a spectator in my life. Not making time to process what happens since to soon result in me feeling out of control.

Over Christmas my grandfather died. This has been very difficult.
He was in hospital for over a week, and although we were told from the beginning he was not going to recover it was hard to give up hope.
It was also very hard to see him ill. To see him suffer. To sit there with him sometimes not knowing whether he recognised us.
For weeks, and even now sometimes, I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't give him enough comfort. Even though I did all I could, I go over and over times when I might have read his reactions wrong and not done what he wanted.
The thought is hard to bear.
I am still trying to deal with the grief, and process everything that has changed.

Then I started working. I started right after Christmas teaching in a school.
The school is far from were I live and I therefore have to travel a fair distance, which added to the workload makes for very long days. Hence my not finding much time for myself.

The understanding was that I was on a temporary contract for a while, as required by the agency that placed me but that the position would become permanent as soon as possible. However I am not sure this is going to work like that.
I have been asking about when I would be made permanent, and they are basically sitting on it. Apparently they are not sure at the present whether they want to make me permanent. This has been a blow to my confidence.
I am also very unhappy about the way it has been handled, as I have had to push to get any feedback, or any information about my situation.
I feel a bit "played". I understand they wanting to be sure before making me permanent, but I should have been told this when I first asked.
This not getting back to me has just pushed things to a situation where I have it very difficult to get a permanent position that starts before September due to the time required for me to submit my notice.

It is a funny thing that I was quite happy at work until all this has come up.
My feelings about work have quite rapidly changed with this issue.
And I can wonder how much of this change is "reasonable". The main thing about teaching is, or I think should be the students, and then the department environment.
However this has more to do with internal politics.
In general the rest of the staff has been nice and helpful.
So basically the only thing that has changed is that I now don't feel valued. And I feel a bit that they are trying to take advantage of me in a sense.
I think I just don't like the way it has been handled. The not getting back to me when I asked first time.
Taking to one of my colleagues I realised that maybe I have more negotiating power that I think. I can still submit my notice to leave before the end of the school year, which would be very bad for them, I think, as my students have already have a change of teacher this year. But I really do not want to use that kind of manoeuvre.
My colleague also pointed out that there are more opportunities for me out there, but having struggled to find a job in the first place I really wanted some security.
I realise though that there might be better opportunities for me, and that I just shouldn’t be so scared about exploring them.

It is a strange thing. If I look back I have done many very hard things in my life and I have gone through a lot, and managed. Nevertheless I feel very insecure and scared about everything these days.
I shouldn’t really be. Most people submit many applications before getting a job, I should really learn to handle that kind of rejection.
But I live with this very deeply set feeling that I am not good, and that I deserve nothing.

When logic doesn't work...

It has been a difficult couple of days. On Wednesday I was called to work, I am working covering for people at work, and many times I get called on the day. Unfortunately I was late to work. I had left with plenty of time but I got lost, then I couldn't find a place to park and once I managed I could not get a ticket to display on my car as the machine refused to accept any of my cards (which by the way work anywhere else). I eventually left the car without the ticket for which I unsurprisingly got a fine. That will be half of my daily wage. The worst part though was that the agency who employs me was very annoyed about all of it, and apparently got quite an earful from the company (even though no one complained to me). Things got worse when at lunch time I left briefly to check on my car, and sort out the parking properly. Someone was wanting to talk to me and could not find me, so called the agency again. The agency told me it was very unprofessional of me to have left the premises, apparently not knowing that it was my lunch break.

I talked to the person from the company who deals with the agency and explained what had happened and that the agency was really not at fault for my delay, as they had called with plenty of time and they had actually checked on me before several times.
I really did the best I could for my delay (which in the end was less than 10 min) not to affect the agency future business with them. And I think I succeeded at that.
I also talked to the agency apologised and reassured them I would take make sure to take responsibility and separate me form the agency in the eyes of the company.
By the end of the day the lady said to me, that next time me , or the agency, should call them as they could have helped with the parking issues, and then there would have been no trouble at all for anyone.
I though this was very good, as it implied there would be a next time.


However, I couldn't shake the words of the agency staff, and the feelings that it provoked.
Despite the fact that I do not think going out at lunch time was unprofessional, as the lunch our was a free our, I still felt as if I was, in the most general sense, unprofessional.

Yesterday I was trying to be very rational about all of it. Analyzing what had happened I found that I could, and I will next time, allow some more time, but more importantly ask for help earlier when I start having problems.
I then thought about the situation I was in with the agency now, expecting that they would probably not call me anymore to work. This is not a very big problem, there are many agencies of the like I can work for (I am actually registered with another one), and in any case I have a job starting in January. We have enough money, and my partner is not going to mind if I do not do more work until I start my job in January.
So, overall this was not a great problem, yet I still felt like I had really screwed up, and that all this was just a signal (another one) that I was not good enough for anything.
This last part maybe is the most revealing, the fact that I felt inadequate in a very general, very deep level. And that the logic about the situation would not alter the way I felt however much I tried to reason with myself.

This is not really news; I have known for a very long time I do lack self-confidence and self-esteem.
I seem to be very dependent on external recognition. But then, when I am appreciated I think they are wrong and I feel like I am a fraud.
I know this is not a fair view of myself, however I seem to be unable to change the way I feel about it, about myself.

So, today I start my quest, my search for a way to build up self confidence and self esteem. Starting by reading a book about cognitive behavioral therapy.
The ideas look good, not sure how I will be able to implement them though.
I can see myself getting stuck on the same point I got stuck yesterday. I can understand the logic, the rationale. I can see how I am putting myself down, yet I my feelings seem to be completely impermeable to logic.
I'll keep the research, maybe I can find a suitable method for me.